He sighs, a little huffy. It's himself he's frustrated with, not Balthazar, but being the tactful kind of person that he is it doesn't occur to him to articulate that. He wants to follow Balthazar's movement, to try to provide some kind of comfort, but comfort hasn't been his thing in a while. He's scared he'll just mess up and make things worse - that, if anything, is his thing these days. He withdraws as well instead. He should've known better than to expect to waltz back into his siblings' lives and be welcomed with open arms. They've already forgiven him for more than he deserves, and he's gotten careless with boundaries.
"You know that's not how I meant it. I didn't want to hurt anyone, I didn't think anyone would--" 'care', he'd been going to say, but that makes it sound an awful lot more self-pitying than he wants it to. "I guess I just didn't think. I'm sorry, for what little it's worth."
Not that it changes anything, and frankly it doesn't make it much better. Honestly, he hadn't considered the effect on anyone else. He'd just known that he needed to go, and when he'd seen the opportunity he'd taken it. There hadn't been a great deal of consideration of the consequences, and there should have been.
"We all would have stayed if we could. It wasn't that we didn't care. I love this family more than anything, all of you, I do, but I couldn't stay. I just wish there could've been another way. For all of us. Seems like in the end we all got screwed over."
He accepts, though, that that is in some part his fault. There was so much he could've done differently that would've saved lives, or spared feelings at the very least. He's not trying to shirk responsibility for it, least of all for how Balthazar feels: he understands, and he knows that had he been unselfish enough to just stay, things might have worked out differently. Perhaps everything would have been better - perhaps Raphael would be less broken and Heaven less cold and, here and now, Balthazar less hurt. He can't regret it though, not truly, and he can't (won't try to) deny that he's selfish. He can despise himself for it, and sometimes he does - more and more often here, now that he's faced with his siblings every day and the individual packages of guilt they all come with - but he can't say that, if he were given the chance to go back and change it all, he would have stayed. He'd still leave, even knowing the pain it'd cause, just to save himself the misery they'd all stayed and dealt with. But hey, not everyone can be a good person. He's come to terms with that.
"And you deserved a lot better than you got. If I could change it for you I would, but..." he shrugs helplessly. "Even my powers only go so far, kiddo. I'm sorry."
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"You know that's not how I meant it. I didn't want to hurt anyone, I didn't think anyone would--" 'care', he'd been going to say, but that makes it sound an awful lot more self-pitying than he wants it to. "I guess I just didn't think. I'm sorry, for what little it's worth."
Not that it changes anything, and frankly it doesn't make it much better. Honestly, he hadn't considered the effect on anyone else. He'd just known that he needed to go, and when he'd seen the opportunity he'd taken it. There hadn't been a great deal of consideration of the consequences, and there should have been.
"We all would have stayed if we could. It wasn't that we didn't care. I love this family more than anything, all of you, I do, but I couldn't stay. I just wish there could've been another way. For all of us. Seems like in the end we all got screwed over."
He accepts, though, that that is in some part his fault. There was so much he could've done differently that would've saved lives, or spared feelings at the very least. He's not trying to shirk responsibility for it, least of all for how Balthazar feels: he understands, and he knows that had he been unselfish enough to just stay, things might have worked out differently. Perhaps everything would have been better - perhaps Raphael would be less broken and Heaven less cold and, here and now, Balthazar less hurt. He can't regret it though, not truly, and he can't (won't try to) deny that he's selfish. He can despise himself for it, and sometimes he does - more and more often here, now that he's faced with his siblings every day and the individual packages of guilt they all come with - but he can't say that, if he were given the chance to go back and change it all, he would have stayed. He'd still leave, even knowing the pain it'd cause, just to save himself the misery they'd all stayed and dealt with. But hey, not everyone can be a good person. He's come to terms with that.
"And you deserved a lot better than you got. If I could change it for you I would, but..." he shrugs helplessly. "Even my powers only go so far, kiddo. I'm sorry."