There isn't a lot he can say, really. He has various explanations and excuses, but he can't decide which he finds least unbelievable, and that is a great big neon sign he shouldn't be using any of them.
"Castiel's a moron." Which, as comfort goes, is worth fuck all. "What do you want me to say? I can't speak for Anna, but when I left, it wasn't about anyone except me."
Not that he hadn't cared about anyone except himself. For the most part, it had been because he'd cared too much, but that's not what this is about. The truth of the matter is that Gabriel thinks Balthazar might not be too far wrong - he'd never been anyone's lowest priority, Gabriel doesn't doubt that, but he clearly hadn't been top of the list either, and that was never a pleasant feeling. He could relate, in a way - their Father leaving had been a betrayal to all of them, as had been Lucifer turning against them, but he thinks they might be comparable. He hadn't been either of their priorities, nor had he expected to be, and he certainly hadn't been the only one (or even the worst) affected. Still, it had hurt that he clearly hadn't meant anywhere near as much to them as they had to him; they must have known (they couldn't have not known) how much it would hurt him when they left but it hadn't stopped them. He wouldn't put his leaving on the same level as God or Lucifer, of course, but he can imagine how Balthazar must feel all too well. It hurts to know that he's responsible for that, even if he couldn't have done otherwise.
"Sometimes there's things that mean so much to someone that nothing can change their mind. Michael, Raphael, Lucifer - they mean the world to me. Always have, always will, and I'd do damn near anything for them - die, kill, anything, but not one of them could've got me to stay." He's not sure that that's helpful, exactly, but he hopes Balthazar understands what he means by it. Sort of, at least. "I guess it was the same when Anna and Cas left - hells, you left too, didn't you? Or-- you will."
He pauses for a split-second and frowns, trying to figure out the timelines. What on earth are they both doing here? They can't be here if this is after they'd left - Gabriel can't be here at all if he knows about Balthazar's death because that had been after he'd died-- his mind stops him, and the dream logic reinstates itself. He forgets that he'd wondered about it, and returns to his previous train of thought with a vague and inexplicable feeling of dissatisfaction.
"It wasn't about hurting anyone. Sometimes, though, there's no decision you can make without hurting someone, however little you want or mean to. I know I'm not the most trustworthy of people, believe me, I know, but you have to believe that none of us meant to hurt you when we left, especially not Castiel. And when he-- well, when he did what he did to you, I don't know why he did it, I don't know what was going through his mind, but I know he feels like hell over it. He'd give anything to take it back. You know that, right? That the last thing he'd normally wanna do is hurt you?"
He's not entirely sure that Balthazar does know that. In fairness, given that Castiel had killed him (and that really is the extent of Gabriel's knowledge on the subject) it's reasonable that Balthazar has his doubts. As for himself and Anna, well, they do love him, of course they do, but they'd never been as close to Balthazar as Castiel had, and given their family's way of expressing itself, maybe it doesn't just go without saying. It's for that reason that he approaches, more cautiously than he usually would, and sits down beside his brother. He leaves a good foot of space, though, and doesn't try to make eye contact at all.
"It doesn't matter that we didn't mean to, though, because we did. I don't regret leaving, but I do regret that. I'm sorry. I really am." It's one of the few things Gabriel always means when he says it, even if people tend not to believe him when he does. "Not that sorry makes any difference. You've got every right to be furious - if you want me to go I will."
He's not sure where. He has the vague feeling that he has no choice in being here - if he did he would be anywhere other than Heaven. Still, it doesn't make sense for him not to be able to leave, so it must be possible.
oh my god there are so many words, i'm very sorry, i tried to cut it down but i gave up halfway :|
"Castiel's a moron." Which, as comfort goes, is worth fuck all. "What do you want me to say? I can't speak for Anna, but when I left, it wasn't about anyone except me."
Not that he hadn't cared about anyone except himself. For the most part, it had been because he'd cared too much, but that's not what this is about. The truth of the matter is that Gabriel thinks Balthazar might not be too far wrong - he'd never been anyone's lowest priority, Gabriel doesn't doubt that, but he clearly hadn't been top of the list either, and that was never a pleasant feeling. He could relate, in a way - their Father leaving had been a betrayal to all of them, as had been Lucifer turning against them, but he thinks they might be comparable. He hadn't been either of their priorities, nor had he expected to be, and he certainly hadn't been the only one (or even the worst) affected. Still, it had hurt that he clearly hadn't meant anywhere near as much to them as they had to him; they must have known (they couldn't have not known) how much it would hurt him when they left but it hadn't stopped them. He wouldn't put his leaving on the same level as God or Lucifer, of course, but he can imagine how Balthazar must feel all too well. It hurts to know that he's responsible for that, even if he couldn't have done otherwise.
"Sometimes there's things that mean so much to someone that nothing can change their mind. Michael, Raphael, Lucifer - they mean the world to me. Always have, always will, and I'd do damn near anything for them - die, kill, anything, but not one of them could've got me to stay." He's not sure that that's helpful, exactly, but he hopes Balthazar understands what he means by it. Sort of, at least. "I guess it was the same when Anna and Cas left - hells, you left too, didn't you? Or-- you will."
He pauses for a split-second and frowns, trying to figure out the timelines. What on earth are they both doing here? They can't be here if this is after they'd left - Gabriel can't be here at all if he knows about Balthazar's death because that had been after he'd died-- his mind stops him, and the dream logic reinstates itself. He forgets that he'd wondered about it, and returns to his previous train of thought with a vague and inexplicable feeling of dissatisfaction.
"It wasn't about hurting anyone. Sometimes, though, there's no decision you can make without hurting someone, however little you want or mean to. I know I'm not the most trustworthy of people, believe me, I know, but you have to believe that none of us meant to hurt you when we left, especially not Castiel. And when he-- well, when he did what he did to you, I don't know why he did it, I don't know what was going through his mind, but I know he feels like hell over it. He'd give anything to take it back. You know that, right? That the last thing he'd normally wanna do is hurt you?"
He's not entirely sure that Balthazar does know that. In fairness, given that Castiel had killed him (and that really is the extent of Gabriel's knowledge on the subject) it's reasonable that Balthazar has his doubts. As for himself and Anna, well, they do love him, of course they do, but they'd never been as close to Balthazar as Castiel had, and given their family's way of expressing itself, maybe it doesn't just go without saying. It's for that reason that he approaches, more cautiously than he usually would, and sits down beside his brother. He leaves a good foot of space, though, and doesn't try to make eye contact at all.
"It doesn't matter that we didn't mean to, though, because we did. I don't regret leaving, but I do regret that. I'm sorry. I really am." It's one of the few things Gabriel always means when he says it, even if people tend not to believe him when he does. "Not that sorry makes any difference. You've got every right to be furious - if you want me to go I will."
He's not sure where. He has the vague feeling that he has no choice in being here - if he did he would be anywhere other than Heaven. Still, it doesn't make sense for him not to be able to leave, so it must be possible.