kore_logs | I read the body count out of the paper and now it's written all over my face

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I read the body count out of the paper and now it's written all over my face

Who: Castiel and Dean
Where: Dean's room
When: Right after this broadcast and before any responses
What: An injured angel looks for the human who should probably say "I told you so"
Warnings: -

Crawling up on the beach, Castiel's only thoughts are of what he's done and the pain. He needs help and he needs Dean and running on autopilot, he yells for help any way he can, not that he's sure that any angels are even out there anymore. Can anyone hear him?

It takes him a moment to realize where he is and what's happened as he shivers against the wind and then he goes straight to where he can feel Dean, sigils gone once again.

He appears in Dean's room, water-logged and covered in wet sand and then he falls to his knees on the hard floor, the only sound in the room is his own harsh breathing until he speaks.

"Dean."

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When he wakes up, it takes him a few minutes to get his bearings, to even remember what this place was, to realize that it wasn't all some weird dream he had and forgot about. Shit, this hadn't been a dream? This whole time on this cape, with Cas and Meg and Kenzi... That had been real, and he forgot all about it. Shit.

That gives him a sense of urgency, along with a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach because, what? Is Sam alone again? He clearly hadn't noticed Dean's absence this last time, but he doesn't feel great about leaving Sam sick and collapsed, but he can't worry about that right now. What he needs to do is figure out how long he's been gone here and if anything's happened.

He wipes his face, trying to get over the disorientation, and then makes his way to their house. There's no one home, so... He should go looking for them, but first he just... sits at his desk. Just for a few seconds.

And that's when Cas shows up.

He leaps up, eyes wide, and slowly feels like the floor's being dragged out from underneath him.

"Cas?" he asks, bewildered, and then he gets on the floor beside him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders to help hold him up. Shit, that's bad, the grace leaking out of his neck. He grips him tighter, blinking around the fear and worry.

"Cas, what happened, man?"

He looks up at Dean and lets out a soft, dry sob, looking away quickly. The Dean was from after they'd left Purgatory, but now it's Castiel who is further ahead. Dean would have told him about this if he'd known. Castiel is sure of that.

"I did it again. I--" He pauses, taking a deep, shaky breath. "Dean, all of the angels... Matatron used me and you don't remember any of that, do you?"

He looks up again, stretching his neck and showing off the glowing injury as he prays that Dean knows what happened somehow. It doesn't matter how. He doesn't even care if Dean knew all along and lied. He just doesn't want to be alone in this. He already knows Meg can't remember, because Meg is dead. With that thought, there's a resurgent feeling of satisfaction at the fact that he'd killed Crowley here.

Dean hadn't really known much of anything when he turned up here except that something weird happened between Cas and Alfie, and Cas was MIA. That's all different now, of course. As soon as Cas mentions Metatron, he freezes, his jaw clenches, and he grips Cas tighter. Seems like they're up to speed with one another now, as far as Dean can tell. Dammit, Cas. If only he'd listened for a second and not gone back up there.

Not that he's going to berate him now. God, Cas is in some seriously bad shape, and he doesn't know -- Is he falling? Like, right now, in this moment, is this it? Did he fire-wings back here? Dean feels sick with worry and that horrible sense that he can't do anything about this at all; how does he fix an angel? Maybe he can go to Balthazar... or Alfie, but only, he guesses, if he's still cool with Cas.

Well, he can at least try to cover his wound, right? He picks his hand up and slowly gets closer to his neck, checking to make sure he's not going to melt his hand off, but he closes his hand over the wound carefully and still has a hand, by the end of it. He can feel Cas's stubble, but also the pulsing of the grace in the wound, and he swallows thickly, gaze flicking back up to his face.

"The angels were falling," he says quietly. He's not sure he'll ever forget that sight. "I saw them, me and Sam." They didn't close the gates to Hell, either. He should mention that. Instead he blinks, closing off that train of thought.

"That's the last thing I remember. Are you -- Are you going to be okay, Cas? Are you falling right now? What is this?"

Castiel's breath hitches as he feels Dean's hand close over the wound. It's too much and he can feel Dean. His concern is so jarring after the coolness Dean has shown him lately and his memories are jumbled up between here and everything that's happened since Naomi brought him back from Purgatory.

"I don't know. I think whatever brought us back here took me just in time. He was about to rip out my grace." And then the angels would fall. Dean had just confirmed as much and the thought is absolutely heartbreaking. After decimating Heaven, he's unknowingly played a part in destroying what little he'd left intact.

He brings his hand up to Dean's jaw and leans in, tipping his head to the side and resting his forehead against the side of Dean's neck. "Naomi's dead. I should have listened."

How can he even begin to fix this? This is so far beyond healing babies and watching birds and even if it's not entirely his fault, it's enough his fault that he feels a rise in guilt well up in his chest.

Dean's memories are traffic jamming too, where he was with Sam and where he was with Cas; he'd been annoyed with him, yeah, but he stowed it to help him and then he had to really think about how he might've been saying goodbye to Cas... like... forever. And then he's got his memories of this place flooding in fast, how weird things were between him and Cas despite whatever they decided to do or not do about that, and Dean can barely figure out how he ought to feel. The easiest thing is the most obvious; Cas is falling apart, and Dean can't let that happen.

His chest tightens when Cas moves in, and he holds his breath the whole time he gets settled against his neck. He'd just been trying to hold Cas's wound closed, to keep him from falling over, and now he has Cas cradled against him, holding onto him, and Dean's filling up with too much. He closes his eyes, and he slides his other hand gently down Cas's arm and back.

Cas fucked up. Or he was a party to Metatron fucking everyone over -- still, Dean can guess how he's feeling, and it destroyed him the first time. He isn't sure he can watch that happen again, and he isn't sure what might be left of him when this is over.

"Ssh, Cas, ssh. I got you," he hushes softly, and he rubs his shoulder again consolingly. Dean can't fix any of this, doesn't even know how to start other than bringing Cas to one of the angels, but not right now. Right now he can hold him and try to calm him down.

"We'll get you patched up; you're gonna be okay, okay?" He's avoiding Naomi and the angels completely for right now, though he's not sure what to to feel about Naomi dying. She fucked with Cas's head and was one smooth talker, but she came through in the end, whatever her motives might've been.

Castiel feels so torn between wanting to give up and wanting to fight twice as hard to fix this and while giving up seems easier and far more obvious, he allows himself a moment to simply focus on Dean and what he hasn't lost. Everything hurts, but Castiel is a soldier and he can take a great amount of pain when he's required to.

His hand slides down Dean's neck to clench in his shirt and he takes one last deep breath before straightening up and pulling away. He's given himself a moment to indulge in the comfort Dean offers him, but he needs to brush himself off and keep going. Who knows how much of this could have been avoided if he'd just left Purgatory with Dean--if he hadn't given up. It's not an option, especially not if he can get back with his grace intact. He might be the only one who can let the angels back in.

"We need to get back there and fix this, Dean." They can't just stay here and wait for an easy way out. So much has changed now.

And then it hits him. If Naomi really was telling the truth and Sam's also alive... "Sam didn't close the gates of Hell, did he?"

He assumes it's a good sign that Cas sits up again, and Dean should be glad of it because it's confusing enough dealing with everything on top of... that, but he really hadn't minded it so much. Giving comfort is something he's always been able to do, and right now he doesn't know what else they have left. They can fight their way out of this one, but it's going to take a lot, and Dean's not sure they can get out of it without a body count. The whole thing with the Doctor showed how easy it is to shoot themselves in the foot.

He's trying to come up with something good to tell Cas, when he goes and asks that, and Dean freezes, caught. Does he regret his own decision? No, never. Sam's life will always come first. Dean's lost too much to willingly let his brother go like that. Does he realize what kind of a shitty position this puts him in? ...yeah. Yeah, it does.

His jaw clenches, his eyes lower, but then he comes back shaking his head.

"No. I got there in time to stop him. He called the trials off; it's over." He sounds more certain of himself there than he really is, mainly because he doesn't know what Cas is going to say about it.

Castiel nods. "We'll find another way, Dean. You don't have to lose Sam again." They know the trials now. If they can get back, maybe Castiel can do it once they find a way to reverse Metatron's spell. Then at least Dean will have Sam and they'll be relatively safe.

Dean's face, beaten and bloody, appears in his mind and a new sense of guilt wells up. I need you. But someone will have to do it or none of them will ever be safe. He so torn and he knows that when the time comes, he'll have to actually talk to Dean about it, because Dean won't forgive him for acting on his own again. Rather, Castiel wouldn't deserve the forgiveness.

He wonders if there's anything Dean wouldn't forgive him for, but that's not something he wants to test. They're family, right? Castiel is still trying to figure out exactly what that means.

"Does that mean Crowley's still a demon?" He starts to push himself up so that he can stand, still wobbly on his feet as he reaches to steady himself on the nearby dresser.

If Dean knew Cas is thinking about doing the trials himself, he'd just start the yelling now. He doesn't need more people he cares about to die; what he needs is for Cas to check his stubbornness for more than twenty seconds at a time, slow down, and listen to Dean. They're family, a team, and Cas needs to start acting like that and stop walking away from Dean. Dean and Sam.

He moves with Cas, a hand on his back and one on his arm as he tries to help him stand up, tries to give him the support and steadiness he needs. That's actually all Dean wants: for Cas to lean on him and stay there. That's how Dean takes care of people, that's what he knows, and Cas doesn't seem to want to let him.

"Yeah, I -- I guess. Sam did the injections, but didn't read off the spell. In the stuff we found, the demons were sorta different even before the spell, so -- I don't know. I guess it'll wear off. Cas."

He stops, his eyes wide as he looks over him. "You want me to call someone? Another angel? They can fix you up, right?"

It makes him feel weak, but he still lets himself lean on Dean. He wants to think that he's strong enough to take care of everything, himself and Dean and everyone else they care about who's left, but he's not so sure that he gets that luxury anymore.

There was a time when he'd seen himself as a part of something bigger than just himself. He'd been part of a family and they had been powerful and they had had a mission that he'd been so sure of. Ever since he left Heaven, he's felt less and less secure in his own abilities and choices and with each mistake, he feels more shaken. Even Dean doesn't trust him to make decisions anymore.

Speaking of Dean, Castiel turns his head and freezes. Dean's so close and he's supporting Castiel as if Castiel hasn't done a single thing to hurt him. His family might not be as big or powerful as it used to be, but now Dean is part of it and he's a very vital part.

"I'm sorry, Dean. I should have listened to you. Again." He needs Dean to not reject this apology. He'll list out every offense if he has to; he'll beg for it. Even knowing that Dean will forgive him eventually, he doesn't want to face that rejection right now.

He's in pain that sinks down to his very being and his pride is shot. He needs this.

Dean sighs and ducks his head. So they're doing this now? He'd been angry that Cas had left him, yes, angry that he didn't trust Dean enough to let him help, angry that he was still going solo on so much when that'd led him into problems before. And again. He's heard a lot of sorrys from Cas on that front, and they really are wearing thin, especially when every time he says it, it's not for little things, but for major shit.

Even when he was in the thick of his anger and disappointment, though, he could stash it when Cas actually came to him for help. One, because that's what you do for the people you care about, but also two, freaking positive reinforcement, man. It was a step. And it was a step that went wrong.

He wants to be angry, yeah, but Cas is almost in pieces here, and he screwed Heaven over royally. It was one thing to be angry at him when he'd only threw a wrench in the works or only betrayed Dean, but now Cas has done like, the polar opposite of everything he's spent a year trying to do. He fucked up his brothers and sisters again, and Dean doesn't like most of the douchewings, but they're Cas's family. And more than that, he remembers that talk in the motel, when Cas told Dean what he'd be prepared to do if he went back to Heaven and saw it in ruins. Dean's not sure, but he thinks the current situation ranks up there with "Heaven's a shithole."

"You know you got a stubborn streak a mile wide?" He looks Cas in the eye, holding him in the space where he's wondering if he's about to be forgiven or not, and then he pulls him into a hug. He doesn't know if Cas is fallen or an angel anymore, but the other option, if things had gone right, would've been that he maybe never would've seen Cas again. Dean's glad to have him back in whatever shape he can get.

Edited 2013-06-06 04:44 (UTC)

Castiel turns in Dean's arms, moving to hug him back with his fingers clenched in the back of Dean's jacket. Like his continued existance, he's not sure if this place is a blessing or a curse, but at least Dean is here with him.

"I learned it from you." Not entirely true, but Dean is just as bad as he is. Maybe that's why they get along so well when they agree and why they're at such odds when they don't.

He sighs again and this time it's more a release than an expression of frustration or pain. He doesn't know about anything else, but they're going to be okay and that's a start.

"I was getting groceries." He's mumbling into Dean's shoulder. "When he found me, I was getting groceries for you."

"Yeah, well, remind me to teach you a few other things too." Like how to listen and how to do the opposite of turning your back on your family. He won't rub that in now, not when Cas is clinging. Dean can hold him back now, tighten his grip on his jacket and keep him close, because maybe Dean needs this too. Maybe this is what he's been needing ever since Cas brought him to his knees and nearly killed him back in that crypt, and maybe this is what he needs if he's going to find a way to be okay without Sam, when Sam had been so close to falling apart too.

That small admission draws a soft laugh out of him because it's so random, so inane, and he even has to take a minute to figure out when Cas is talking about.

"I bet that was a sight. M'almost afraid to ask what you were getting."

Castiel doesn't tend to need very much in the way of physical comfort, but this is... nice. The longer he's with Dean, the stronger he feels. He has a lot to fix and it's going to be an uphill battle, but if he doesn't do it, who else will? This is his family and he needs to do everything he can to make up for his mistakes.

Dean's his family, too. He'd been prepared to leave Dean if that's what it took to fix Heaven, but Dean needs him, too. He'd said as much. If Castiel can have both, he'll do what he has to do.

He loosens his grip on Dean, pulling back slowly.

"I was getting beer and toilet paper and other necessities."

He laughs brokenly, tilting his head back somewhat as he leans away from Cas, though he doesn't take his hands completely away, not until he can be sure Cas won't just fall over if he does.

"Those are pretty important."

They haven't exactly dealt with why Dean wasn't talking to Cas then, but it's part of the whole thing where he went off halfcocked again and fucked everything up, so it seems like a touchy subject. At least, when he needed help, he came to Dean, even if he didn't stick around.

"When we get back," he stops, lifting his eyebrows. "If we get back again... You'll come find me, right?" He tries not to show how much he needs Cas to say yes, but dammit; he needs Cas to say yes.

"You'll let me help you?"

Castiel wants to tell Dean that he doesn't need help. This is his mess and he'll fix it. He wants to say that, but he knows it isn't true. He does need help and even though Dean's done so much and the same reasons he never came to Dean when he was fighting Raphael still weigh on him, Dean is the only person he can trust enough to ask for it. No matter what, there will always be a voice in his head telling him that Dean has sacrificed enough and that he deserves a quiet life away from monsters and demons and angels.

"I don't even know what I'm asking you for help with, Dean. It could be dangerous."

He has no plans and no ideas on how to even begin and if he doesn't know, how can Dean?

At this point, he can stand on his own, shaky as he is, but he doesn't pull back all the way out of Dean's grip, anyway.

Dean scoffs, eyes widening more in shock than anything, and he has to look away to compose himself. Is Cas freaking serious right now? The last thing Dean needs is someone coddling him, protecting him from danger; shit, that ship already sailed, okay. The time for sheltering him has long since passed, and Dean's here now, in this life with no way out. That's just it, and he accepted that back when he said goodbye to Lisa and Ben.

"Right, because that's stopped me from doing anything before. At all." He lifts his eyebrows at him. Maybe Cas thinks he's doing right by Dean, but honestly? That hurts.

"It'll be easier to figure out what you need help with if we put our heads together on it. Me, you, Sam." Family. His grip tightens a little bit before he forces his hand to relax.

"We'll get Kevin back in the game." He pauses, one brief moment of silence for that kid who actually does deserve to be sheltered a little bit but fuck if that ship's sailed too. "But together, okay? Don't -- Don't shut me out."

It's not about sheltering Dean to Castiel. It's about protecting one of the very few good things he has left. He knows Dean can take care of himself, but that doesn't mean he wants Dean getting hurt for him. He's hurt so many people who matter to him, done so much damage, and Dean needs to be that one thing that he stops hurting.

He doesn't want to put Dean in danger, but he nods, anyway. What else can he do?

"I'll find you. I'll find a way to you, but if things get dangerous, you have to let me be the one who takes the risks, Dean. They're my mistakes and it's my mess." Dean's cleaned up after him enough.

With a sigh, he leans forward until his forehead is leaning against Dean's. He's so tired; he has been since he got back from Purgatory, but without Naomi's touch in his mind, he feels it so much stronger now. Everything is weighing on him and he knows that a good deal of it really is his fault, because his mistakes started all of this.

He inhales sharply, but stays still. This is definitely invading his personal space, even if he's been handsy with Cas since he got here, but Christ, he's falling apart and maybe he needs this. Slowly, he sets his hand on the back of Cas's neck and rubs his thumb back and forth over his hair, trying to soothe him as best he can.

Bullcrap he'll let Cas be the one to take all the risks. He understands what Cas means, but Dean wants to help shoulder some of his burden; this is teamwork. And he doesn't want a repeat of the trials, being mostly useless and hovering around Sam trying to make sure he doesn't keel over for good this time.

"We'll figure it out. Ssh, just calm down now, okay? We gotta get you back up to snuff first."

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I read the body count out of the paper and now it's written all over my face

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