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greenisnteasy) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
kore_logs2013-06-06 01:30 am
greenisnteasy) wrote in kore_logs2013-06-06 01:30 am
Entry tags:
do i divide and fall apart?
Who: Bruce and Ned
When: Day 78
Where: The clinic
What: Ned comes by with pie and receives a lot of Bruce feelings.
Extremis is a touchy subject at home, so Bruce hasn't really touched it. At least... not where Tony can see. He so doesn't want Tony doing it, but Bruce is a different story. Bruce is already basically FUBAR -- unless he can actually fix himself with this formula. It's all theoretical, but he can crunch numbers, run probabilities, and... dream, basically. He can sit in the clinic and run that formula over and over in his thoughts, and he can wonder. Maybe this is what he needs to heal himself. Maybe this is what he needs to be able to let go of the Hulk, get rid of him completely.
He tries to keep all that inside at home, but when he's in his clinic, when no one's around? He can feel himself unravel. That's dangerous, that's always dangerous, but he can't help the excitement, the fear, and the pain of knowing he could be so close, but so far because he doesn't have what it takes to put this formula together and give himself his life back. And maybe Tony too. Maybe if he can figure this out, he and Tony can go back to the way they were, and he'll stop daydreaming about having powers or being immortal or whatever it is, whatever feedback loop in Tony's brain tells him he's not good enough and so he should keep upgrading himself.
The formula is fruitless, though, never going to happen, not here, and it makes him afraid that Tony will never understand either. Tony wants him to embrace the Hulk, and while that's a good idea, it doesn't do anything to stop the rage, the resentment, the pain. The self-hatred. He's been trying to work through it, but all he thinks he's really done is put it aside, stuff it away inside a box like he should be ashamed of it, and he doesn't see a way out of that either.
Frustrated, Bruce gets up from his desk, paces in front of it, then lets out a scream as he shoves all the papers, pens, empty mug, everything off onto the floor. His heart rate's increasing, and even disconnected from an incident, that plus anger fills him with the bitter taste of fear. So he slumps on his desk instead of yelling again, sitting on the edge with his hands gripping the edge tight, until it hurts.
And then he starts to cry.
When: Day 78
Where: The clinic
What: Ned comes by with pie and receives a lot of Bruce feelings.
Extremis is a touchy subject at home, so Bruce hasn't really touched it. At least... not where Tony can see. He so doesn't want Tony doing it, but Bruce is a different story. Bruce is already basically FUBAR -- unless he can actually fix himself with this formula. It's all theoretical, but he can crunch numbers, run probabilities, and... dream, basically. He can sit in the clinic and run that formula over and over in his thoughts, and he can wonder. Maybe this is what he needs to heal himself. Maybe this is what he needs to be able to let go of the Hulk, get rid of him completely.
He tries to keep all that inside at home, but when he's in his clinic, when no one's around? He can feel himself unravel. That's dangerous, that's always dangerous, but he can't help the excitement, the fear, and the pain of knowing he could be so close, but so far because he doesn't have what it takes to put this formula together and give himself his life back. And maybe Tony too. Maybe if he can figure this out, he and Tony can go back to the way they were, and he'll stop daydreaming about having powers or being immortal or whatever it is, whatever feedback loop in Tony's brain tells him he's not good enough and so he should keep upgrading himself.
The formula is fruitless, though, never going to happen, not here, and it makes him afraid that Tony will never understand either. Tony wants him to embrace the Hulk, and while that's a good idea, it doesn't do anything to stop the rage, the resentment, the pain. The self-hatred. He's been trying to work through it, but all he thinks he's really done is put it aside, stuff it away inside a box like he should be ashamed of it, and he doesn't see a way out of that either.
Frustrated, Bruce gets up from his desk, paces in front of it, then lets out a scream as he shoves all the papers, pens, empty mug, everything off onto the floor. His heart rate's increasing, and even disconnected from an incident, that plus anger fills him with the bitter taste of fear. So he slumps on his desk instead of yelling again, sitting on the edge with his hands gripping the edge tight, until it hurts.
And then he starts to cry.