kore_logs | What will it take to live as if I would not another day?

When she arrives, they're already waiting for her. She smiles and they smile back, and there's an unmistakable glow as Anna and her siblings extend their wings and fly.

It's her favourite heaven, the garden of a lady too old and frail to tend to her own by the end. This one blooms and blossoms all year round, and she stays by the roses to think a while.

She doesn't know who says it, a quiet voice hushed enough to keep an identity masked as it murmurs "it won't last" but she pays it no mind. Why can't heaven last an eternity?

The classroom is empty, just Anna and her ...fifth grade teacher? She doesn't know what he's doing here, much less what she's doing here, but there's no time to question it. Scribbling all over the board don't make sense, with words like 'apocalypse' and 'seal' scrawled in an unrecognisable hand writing. She stands to ask a question, but even though she wants to ask what it means, the words that come out of her mouth are different.

"How much time do we have?"

"Not long, we have to prepare for the worst."

And then suddenly she's outside, sitting on the grass outside of her college and laughing at a joke she doesn't remember hearing. Dark clouds start to roll in, but she's still sat in the sun, perfectly content to ignore the storm slowly closing in behind her.

The room is white, so white that it's painful to look around it and for a moment it's hard to make out anything, but there's a figure in the middle. Doubled over and cowering into the smallest place she can try to occupy, everything is silent for a few overwhelming seconds. Then, she screams.

There's no attacker, no other presence in the blank white room, but Anna screams anyway. She clutches at the sides of her head and begs forgiveness of an unknown entity. It won't happen again, she won't let it happen again. It was a mistake, she was deluded, any excuse she can think of comes pouring out and she screams.

And then it stops. Just as suddenly as it had started everything stops and she gasps for air as she waits for some kind of explanation. A minute passes with nothing. Two, even.

And then the whole process repeats itself from the start.

As far as angels go, Anna has a surprising amount of experience over most of them in the unpleasant hurdles being thrown their way, and this is no exception. She's used to being fallible, she spent over twenty years able to be harmed, grew up in that life. Sure it doesn't compare with the aeons she'd spent as untouchable before that, but an advantage is an advantage.

So she's prepared for sleep, even welcomes it a little. It's honestly nice to get a little rest. She's experienced enough as a human and arrogant enough as an angel to really think that nothing bad will come of this. It's only a few hours at a time as it is, what's the worst that could happen?

There's a bright blue flash of light, a ringing so deafening that nothing else can be heard, and a split second - no more than a single instant of unbearable pain before it all stops. The light fades, the ringing quietens, and all that's left is...flames. The ringing is still there, but it's not ringing any more, it's screaming, and the flames only rise higher. Anna can't move, chains wind around her wrists and ankles and everything is so hot, there's smoke, she can't breathe, and she realises what is going on in a sudden moment of perfect clarity.

It's happened, it's finally happened. They haven't just killed her, they've cast her down. She disobeyed, Lucifer disobeyed. It was only a matter of time.

Jesse isn't - really all that fond of this. Getting into other people's heads seems like a gross invasion of privacy and the fact that he finds himself lucid in his dreams makes him nervous. He's already run into awful shit - he's already revealed a little too much of himself on accident and it scares the hell out of him because everything in these dreams seems to be set up to do just that.

So he tries to stick to his own dreams. But this one is almost calling to him, from his own dark room in the corner of his head. Bright light and a sort of soothing feeling soaks through his bones, and Jesse can't help himself. He doesn't want to invade.

But he does anyway, quietly, crawling in and just. Laying on the grass. Staring at the sky. He has no idea where this is, but it's beautiful.

Castiel's feet are rooted in place as he watches this. He can't move or speak and it's killing him. He has to save her, to stop this. Why are they doing this? They're hurting her.

Finally, he manages to break through whatever is holding him and he can feel the power shattering around him like tempered glass. "Anna!"

Stumbling forward, he drops to his knees painfully next to her and reaches for her.

"Stop it!" He yells at the blinding ceiling.

Even in the disoriented, confused world of the dreaming mind, Gabriel is fairly sure he knows what this scene is. It doesn't occur to him that since he remembers it having happened in the past and wasn't there for it that this is a dream, though. That would be too straightforward - besides, even after the week or so he'd spent human, dreaming isn't something he's familiar enough with to make the connection. That's a shame, because knowing this is a dream would probably make it less distressing.

It's not until the process has repeated itself a few times - five, maybe six - that he's even sure he's there. It's not that he can't intervene, it's that he's just an observer, disembodied, detached from everything that's happening despite how strongly he feels about it. Eventually, though, something shifts; everything is still strangely muted and unreal, like being underwater, but he's there nonetheless. He draws his sword just in case and, frustratingly slowly, makes his way over. It feels like wading, but eventually he manages it. He's not sure how he can help, if it's even possible, but he has to do something - maybe she'll know.

She notices the presence almost immediately, but even though in the back of her mind it occurs to her that she should be more concerned about that Anna can't quite make herself do anything other than smile. She gets up slowly and makes her way to the grass where Jesse has taken up residence, and for all intents and purposes he's looking at the Anna he sees in the real world. Everything is exactly the same, from the red hair to the hazel eyes, the scar on her inner arm to the jeans and t-shirt, it's all Anna.

Except, of course, for the pair of wings extending behind her.

It really is like the old days. She only has a single pair, but they stretch out proudly behind her and shine as bright as the faith she still holds dear. The blazing reds fade into golds, more like the colours of a sunset than any traditional angelic image. As she approaches him Anna smiles calmly and gently, carefully moving to kneel next to Jesse before she breaks the silence.

"Do you like it too? It's amazing really, what humans see Heaven as."

The second she hears Castiel her head whips around, she reaches out just for an instant. There's a single, split second of recognition and desperation, and then-

"Stop! Stop it, please." She backs up, clumsy and uncoordinated in her attempt to get away as fast as she can. "You can't leave me here, you can't. Don't-"

No, she's not above begging. She's beyond pride now, and all that's left is the clawing need to be free again. At this point, she'll do anything to get out. Even if that means reach out toward Castiel with shaking hands. "Brother, please."

She isn't exactly aware that it's a dream, but there is certainly a part of her that is aware that something is inherently wrong The motions keep going without her permission, she tries to stop screaming and she can't. She tries to stop pleading with the empty room for a reprieve but it's impossible. All she can do is follow the script, and the script hurts.

Until she sees Gabriel, anyway.

Her eyes dart to the side as she keeps begging the ceiling to stop, kneeling and cowering away as if the distance will make the pain fade at all. It takes almost more force than she can muster, but she forces an arm out towards him, turns her head sharply and gasps out "help".

And just like that, she's back to screaming again.

As soon as she starts backing away, he feels as if his heart is breaking. He's not sure what this is, but they're hurting Anna and he needs to make it stop.

He crawls after her, reaching for her hand as she reaches towards him. "I'm here for you, Anna. We'll get out of here together. I won't abandon you again."

No one is allowed to hurt his family like this. It's his sister and he needs to make the right decision this time. He needs to stick by her.

The wings. Oh, man, the wings, they're beautiful, and Jesse is distracted by them, staring, eyes wide and mouth slightly open. Oh. Wow. He's - he's going to cry, he thinks, or laugh, or both, pressing a hand over his mouth. Give him a second, Anna.

When he can speak, he sort of chokes it out. "I - it's beautiful," He says, almost reverently, looking at Anna before his eyes go back to her wings. "Is - that where this is? Is this Heaven?"

"This is someone's Heaven, yes."

She shifts to sit with a more relaxed posture next to him, extends her wings out the way someone would stretch their arms an then lets them settle comfortably behind her. It's been a long time since she's let her wings extend freely, and though she's not consiously aware of that in this environment, it still feels like such a relief to stretch them out.

"Can you imagine what your idea of perfection would be? Where you would want to spend the rest of eternity?" She looks at him for a moment before reaching out to place her hand over his, and Anna is more calm and serene here than she has since the day she started hearing the angels. This is a far less complex Anna, the being that she used to be. The good angel, the Garrison leader Anael. "That's what your Heaven will be. This is just my favourite."

He's not sure what his idea of perfection is. Maybe a bar with his friends. With the people he loves - unlimited drinks, a pool table and jukebox, a soft bed in the backroom so he can nap whenever he wants, with a courtyard outside with flowers and trees - maybe that. Maybe just some peace from all the shit has gone down. It's so relaxing here, and Jesse closes his eyes, loosening up. Maybe smiles a little at her hand on top of his.

Jesse's always liked Anna. She's a soothing presence and Jesse feels like he can breathe easier here. "Never thought I'd look forward to something like that," Jesse says softly, staring up at the sky, now. "I don't wanna leave. This is - this is really..."

God, he really is going to cry, and he giggles a little helplessly, rubbing at his eyes. "Sorry. Been a stressful week."

Help. It's much easier said than done; he's sure he knows how to, or knew, but for some reason he can't remember what to do. He kneels beside her but doesn't say anything: he can't make his true voice work, which he knows against all actual logic is through disuse; his human voice feels wrong. All he can think is that he needs to get her out of the room, but when he looks around there's no way out - the room disappears into blinding whiteness and seems to go on forever. He has to try though, he knows that much. He tries to smile reassuringly, though it doesn't quite work, and pushes her hair back out of her face then lifts her as if she weighs nothing. It seems to him that she does, she's almost immaterial.

Another look at the walls and ceiling, or where they should be, shows that nothing has changed. He's convinced, though, that if they just keep moving the exit will make itself known, or that he'll remember how to get them out, so he picks a direction at random and starts off. It's not until the next time she stops screaming that he realises she has been: it's become background noise almost. Ears ringing from the absence of the noise, he tries to speak and actually manages it.

"Don't worry. You're going to be okay." His voice sounds, to him, as if it's coming from another room. He ignores it. "We'll get you out of here, alright? I'm not gonna leave you here. You'll be fine."

That sounds wrong to him too, the words rather than the voice. He's not sure what it is, but something tugs at his insides that feels strangely like guilt. He can't think why.

When their hands come into contact she grabs for it desperately, clutches with a tight grip between her two hands as she looks at him with an almost wild, desperate edge to her expression. The only thing is, there's no hint of the warmth or fondness that Anna would normally direct towards Castiel. There's only fear, overwhelming terror and even a little hatred, but she holds on anyway. As far as Anna is concerned, he's her lifeline.

"What will it take? What would you ask of me?" There's something so broken in the way she begs, grip contracting a little with the crack in her voice, unkind eyes all but boring into Castiel's. "What will it take to make you stop?"

Despite the plea Anna is resistant to his approach right up until the moment of contact. She finds herself unable to back away, but the fear in her eyes is directed right at Gabriel. Until he moves her hair out of her face anyway, and in that moment she instantly relaxes. Without any fight left in her it's no wonder he has no trouble lifting her, but when she goes to hold onto him it almost burns. It's wrong. It shouldn't be like this.

Not that she's going to voluntarily return to that awful routine though. She'll take an agony that could lead to freedom any day. There's no way to leave though, no exit. Anna knows, she's sure she's scratched at the nonexistent seams of wall to floor more times than she can count, even if she can't quite grasp the memory of doing it.

She looks at Gabriel quickly, and she's about to tell him as much. She even mouths the words, but what actually comes out of her mouth is much more different and not what she intended at all. "It's too soon, I'm not fixed yet. They haven't got me right."

"It's not for everyone," she can't help but agree, a slightly amused grin tugging at her face, and that moment there shows more than anything that it's still Anna, albeit with a much calmer, much more faithful face lift. It's still the one that wastes away the days in that godforsaken town with Jesse, it's her dream after all. It's just that an undamaged Grace can do miracles for an angel's nerves, really.

Her grip tightens just a little on his hand at the apology though, and she frowns with slight concern. Shakes her head after a moment and hums her disagreement. "Don't apologise. Are you okay?"

She'd always been such an idealist back in the day, after all. So convinced that she really could help these humans.

Maybe she's all Grace'd up, but he still can feel that it's her. She's under all of that and it's reassuring, but the fact that she's also practically exuding calm and warmth makes Jesse just want to curl into a ball and absorb all of it. Been a long week, indeed, and when Anna asks, he cough-laughs and sniffs, looking up at her.

"Yeah, I - will be." Jesse sighs, closing his eyes briefly. "I --"

But the weird thing is he can't exactly remember why he's stressed out. It's something huge, and it has to do with where he is, but he can't remember. Whatever it is, it hurts, but being here makes it easier to bear.

"M'just glad I can see this, y'know?" He'd been so worried, before. "I didn't get t'go here, when I was dead."

He doesn't belong.

That much is obvious by the hunch of his shoulders alone the moment he recognizes what kind of surroundings he finds himself in. It's everything he lost, everything they both lost, in such tremendously different ways.

Cas hasn't resisted the pull of the dream too much. Escaping his own is a welcome repriece, screw everyone else's privacy.

This makes him feel melancholy, lost, fond, nostalgic, bitter, so he smiles.

"Shoulda known you'd hang out in a garden."

Everything is at once familiar and jarringly alien. It's a sensation that Fortescue has felt before, from her mission through the Angel Gate, but still, in a dream it gives her pause. Jazz sniffs at the grass underneath his paws as she scans the area, confused, trying to get her bearings. At least as well as she can manage.

Her cat, at least, knows exactly what to do. He starts to roll around, paws in every direction as he enjoys the green under his back.

"It's probably better that way." She knows herself that she'd been so concerned about something before arriving here - and granted, she can't quite remember when or how she got into this heaven, but it doesn't seem all that important at the moment. It's hard to feel anything other than peace here, really.

She knows there's hurt there though, she can practically feel it's presence there, and with that last comment of his she just looks on with a sympathetic smile. Rather than put an arm around his shoulders as she might somewhere else, she just extends out a wing in his direction, curls it around Jesse almost protectively. "Maybe...because it wasn't your time." Or because Heaven doesn't exist in the same way in his world, but she'll leave that unsaid.

When she hears Castiel's voice she visibly brightens. Her wings perk a little, and she turns quickly to see him. She'd recognised almost immediately which one it was, but she's no less happy to see him because of it.

Quickly she moves towards him, reaching out to take his hand and giving it a gentle squeeze. "It's much easier than tending to one of my own, you know." She's not taking no for an answer as she starts to lead him through the maze of bushes and flowers, to a small clearing under a weeping willow.

"I'm glad you're here."

Anna actually really likes cats, so when she notices the presence of one nearby her she immediately turns to look at him. It's in doing that she notices the woman with him, and she pauses for a moment before standing.

"Are you here to help?" Help for what? She looks a little confused for a moment at what she's saying, but keeps going despite that. She holds up the sketch pad in her hand (when did that get there?) and opens to the page of what, to her at least, appears to be a demonic face. That's not to say that's necessarily what Fortescue will see when she looks. "Not long to go."

What will it take to live as if I would not another day?

OPTION ONE: Oh sister, you used to be so strong and stable

OPTION TWO: Ignorance is your new best friend

OPTION THREE: Focus on the pain, the only thing that's real

OPTION FOUR: The Shared Dream

GALEN: When there's fire on the ground should it turn my whole world around?

day 84

no subject

OPTION THREE because i enjoy pain

no subject

no subject

all the pain \o/

no subject

no subject

no subject

quietly changes this to night 86 instead

no subject

no subject

no subject

shh no one noticed promise

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject