kore_logs | i will hold as long as you like

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i will hold as long as you like

Who: Dean and Castiel
When: Day 104
Where: Their house
What: Dean gets over both the sea monster poison and his issues and has something to say to Cas.

It took like a little bit to get over the sea monster poison, especially with him waving off Cas -- well, as best he could -- to keep him from healing him. Dean thinks it'd be better if Cas conserved his strength because what if, like, he got kidnapped by a sea monster next? Anyway, Dean was totally getting better, one muscle at a time, and when he wakes up this morning, he has control of his whole body again.

Still, it was enough of a reminder that if he doesn't do something soon, something could happen to him or Cas and he never would've had the chance. Things are awkward enough with Jo to remind him of what a shitty situation that would leave them all in, and okay, he doesn't need the guilt that his failed whatever with Jo is leading him to not fail at having... whatever with Cas, but there it is.

He clears his throat and then knocks on Cas's door.

"Hey, Cas. You got a minute?"

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Castiel hadn't known Wallie, but he'd been there when he'd died and Castiel can't help thinking that he should have done something differently. It's the distraction of that guilt that makes it so easy for Dean to wave him away.

Having a room is still new to him, but he's afraid if he sits outside, someone might want to talk. This town is too small.

So he sits on his bed, going over what his mistakes must have been. He almost doesn't notice the knock.

"Dean?"

Wallie's death had been a blow, a really terrible reminder of how easily people can go here; Dean sometimes forgets that his first day here, he stumbled onto a double funeral. They could've been having another one if Jo and Shiala and Rat hadn't been able to help him, and that's what makes this feel less... really inappropriate.

"Yeah." He assumes that means he can come in, so he does, and he shuts the door behind him. He clears his throat, hovering there, and then comes forward into the room. Half looking at Cas and half not, because he's increasingly getting more nervous, he sits a normal distance away from him on the bed and looks ahead of him, hands in his lap.

"You doing okay?" He knows Cas had been with him when he died.

He turns his head to glance at Dean. Truthfully, part of why Wallie's death weighed so heavily on him is that he'd realized that he couldn't bring someone back here.

That means he can't bring Dean or Sam or Jo or Ellen back if anything happens.

"I'm fine. Are you?"

It's a little pointed. He knows that Dean was hiding some damage from him.

It's not easy to hide full body paralysis, but Dean did a hell of a job. If he wasn't getting better, he would've gone to Cas eventually, but hey, it all worked out, and now Cas has mojo stored up in case someone else needs it. Or Cas needs it. The pointed tone does reach through Dean's bundle of carefully constructed I'm-fine-though-I'm-really-nervous demeanor, and he looks over at him, his shoulders even relaxing a little.

"I'm fine." He holds up his hand and wiggles his fingers. "Full range of motion. Not even a headache."

But then the reality of why he's nervous, and why this is tainted with some sadness, kicks back in and he can't hold eye contact anymore, so he ducks his head.

"I meant how are you holding up, after Wallie and everything."

Looking away, Castiel shakes his head. "I should have gone after him. There must have been something I could have done."

He really believes that, too, even if he can't find the mistake. There must have been a way to save Wallie and keep Donna safe.

"Don't beat yourself up, Cas. Sometimes there's nothing you can do." He knows how hard those words are to swallow, though, so he'll leave it at that and reach out instead, touching Cas's arm, and he gives him a careful smile.

"I'm sorry, man. He was a good guy. That sea monster threw us all for a loop. Kind of surprised more people didn't die."

"I didn't know him, but I know others did."

He'll feel guilty no matter what Dean says, but the fact that Dean is trying is... nice, for lack of a better word.

Sadness isn't new, nor is the idea of being cared for, but the way Dean shows his caring is unlike any of the angels and his love for Dean isn't the same, either.

"I'm relieved that most of us walked away."

He's relieved that Dean walked away.

Dean knew him; they worked on the diner together and he was a good guy, and Dean's going to miss him, honestly. The sad thing is that he's another name on a list of people Dean's come to know and like only for them to be taken away, and it stings to think of it, but he can at least try to move on, and move on to trying to appreciate the people he still has, the life he still has. That'd been what returning from purgatory had been about, really.

And this. That's what this is about too. His smile is watery, but that's because he's kind of starting to die of nerves, but he isn't backing out of this. He does wonder what Sam's going to do, what he'll say, but -- and this isn't something he would've been able to say a lot before -- he thinks that he doesn't have to worry about his brother cutting him off over this.

"Me too. And, um. I was thinking, Cas... I was thinking about what I would've regretted, if I hadn't gotten out of this one. Things I want to do, want to say. The... people I want to say 'em to."

His gaze moves over Cas's face uncertainly, his emotions laid bare on his face and that hurts a little, as it usually does for him. He swallows thickly.

"Cas, I..."

Maybe actions would be better than words first. The hand on Cas's arm slides across his back as Dean leans in, slow to watch for Cas's reactions, to see if he has a problem with this, before he kisses him gently.

Castiel can't say that this place has changed him all that much in the grand scheme of things. After all he's seen, even in just the last few years, this place is nothing compared to waging a civil war in Heaven or walking through Purgatory with Dean and Benny.

No, it's not this place that changed him. It's Dean and the experiences they've shared that no one else will ever understand.

There's only the slightest bit of hesitation as Dean moves in--entirely due to surprise--and then Castiel closes his eyes and focuses on what kissing Dean feels like when they're both really themselves.

He loves Dean and there's really no question of that in his mind. It's not entirely romantic, but it's close enough, he thinks, that this is fitting. Dean is like the missing piece of a puzzle that he'd never realized he'd been working on.

Dean doesn't complete Castiel's life. It's far too big for Dean to do that, but he completes a part of it and being with him makes Castiel happy, even when it hurts.

He and Dean are connected and there's no quick or easy way to explain how or why.

Dean loves Cas, and he's honestly not afraid to own up to that; it's hard to just put it out there, but he's not going to deny it. Dean on his knees when Cas was possessed or whatever he was, telling Cas he needed him, was basically him telling Cas he loved him even then, because this is more than just this romantic side of things.

Cas is his best friend, Cas is someone he turns to in a fight when he needs help, Cas is someone he'd drop things for and go help -- even when that thing is the last trial to close the gates of hell. Maybe that's what makes this less scary because this actually isn't changing a whole lot; it's adding something to what they already have.

Still, Cas is a guy and Dean's kissing a guy and it's a big deal for him, on top of it being a big deal to be kissing someone he loves, and he needs to breathe soon enough. He rests their foreheads together, the hand on his back sliding up to rest on the back of his neck, and Dean closes his eyes, drinking in Cas's closeness.

"I love you, Cas," he murmurs, before he comes off this kiss high and gets too twisted up in emotions to say it. "That's what I would've regretted not saying, maybe more than anything else."

There's something nice about the fact that for once, they're not falling apart along with everything around them. No one is lying or manipulating here.

He thinks it was Purgatory that changed things, surprisingly for the better. It was hardly an enjoyable experience and it left them both... haggard and worn, but it left them tied even closer together. That was the one good thing they took from that place. It was where Dean forgave him.

With his eyes still closed, Castiel smiles, breathing in the same air as Dean. He doesn't need to breath, but this is so intimate that it feels as though he does.

"I already knew that, Dean."

His voice has lost some of its gravely tone, affection slipping in.

Purgatory did strip Dean down to the essentials, put him on survival: hard mode, and it left him shaken and hollow for a while after, but it did teach him how to put things in perspective. It's a lesson he's been gearing up to, honestly, since he found out that Cas had teamed up with Crowley, and then Cas did his God thing and everything got screwy.

All that pain, anger, loss -- it all culminated in the shithole of purgatory and reinforced to Dean what's really important. It didn't matter that Benny was a vampire; it didn't matter all the crap he and Cas's friendship had gone through. What mattered was that Dean cared about them both, and everything else they could put aside. That was really when Dean began to learn how to open up to the romantic slant to his feelings for Cas because all the crappy feelings he ever had about maybe liking guys just didn't matter anymore.

He isn't expecting Cas to say it back. He isn't really expecting Cas to feel it too, and that's okay. As long as he understands that this means Dean needs him to stay with him now maybe more than ever.

"No, you didn't," Dean says, though he's starting to smile. "I barely even knew. Don't ruin this."

Leaning in, he kisses him again, still soft and sweet.

Castiel hadn't know that Dean might ever want to kiss him, of course, but love isn't about that. He thinks the love between them is clear, because somewhere along the way he realized that none of their mistakes would have hurt at all if they hadn't cared.

Dean is Castiel's family. He's more than that, too, but he is family and he's said so himself.

After all of his mistakes, Castiel doesn't deserve this, but Dean does. Dean deserves so much that Castiel can never give him, but if he wants this, it's one of the few things that Castiel can at least try to give and if he's getting what he wants, deserved or not, he won't complain--not where Dean is concerned.

"I had no idea, then."

He loves Dean, too, of course, but he's not sure why he should need to point out the obvious. He's sacrificed so much for Dean and Dean must know how much he means to Castiel.

Choosing to leave Dean for good and seal up Heaven had been one of the hardest decisions he'd made since he first rebelled, even if it had fallen apart.

Dean's grown up with the understanding that there are two kinds of love, a romantic one and a platonic one, and he's always felt them in distinctly different ways. That's maybe why it was so hard catching onto this thing with Cas because it's still... Well, obviously it isn't just platonic, but it just feels like so much more than just a romantic thing, too. It's... kind of everything, kind of overwhelming, and hard for him to categorize. Dean doesn't like things that are difficult to label and understand; it's easier to focus on how good this feels rather than focus on the confusing half of it.

"That's better," he says with a faint smile, still sharing Cas's space, thumb brushing over the back of his neck.

Until and unless Cas says different, Dean's going to assume that Cas just... maybe doesn't love him like that. Cas is weird, and an angel on top of it, so maybe this is all some kind of platonic thing for him, or kissing feels good so why not add it to the list. The truth is, Dean could give Cas a list of reasons why he would think Cas doesn't love him like that; it wouldn't be a fair list, but Dean feels what he sees as betrayals intensely.

He isn't sure what to do now, exactly, but... Well, maybe he does. He scoots back on the bed, hand sliding down Cas's arm until he's tugging him. He wants to lay down with Cas, hold him, just... be with him without all the shit in his head making it hard or weird.

"C'mere. Hey, so now you can get a front row seat to creepily stare at me while I sleep."

With a smile, Castiel lies down next to Dean, close enough that they keep brushing against each other as he settles.

"I always have a front row seat." He won't apologize for enjoying it, either. Dean is so peaceful when he sleeps sometimes and when he's not, Castiel likes to help guide his dreams somewhere more pleasant.

So many things have torn Castiel in different directions over the last few years, but there's no denying that Dean has been a strong tug, even if he hasn't always been what Castiel chose. It was never out of dismissal or not caring.

"No, I mean like this."

Dean isn't expecting massive changes to the way he and Cas work, but as holds Cas close and closes his eyes, he thinks he'd at least like to do this a lot. Everything else is complicated for a bunch of reasons, but this isn't. It feels simple and easy and it reaches down to still something restless inside Dean, something that never really stops hurting or questioning.

"You've talked to Sam?" Even his voice is calmer.

"I did." He relaxes a little, which still isn't much for anyone other than him. "He's doing better than he was the last time I saw him here, but that was before you... forgot."

It does occur to Castiel that that could happen at any time to anyone. Dean could forget this place again. He could leave for good or come back having forgotten this and he doesn't like either one.

He wraps his own arm around Dean's waist, tightening it just a little as he thinks about that and about the feeling he'd had when he'd known that Dean was in the ocean fighting that thing and there hadn't been a thing Castiel really could have done to help.

"Really?" Dean's tone is flat. "He's doing better than the last time you saw him? What was he like then?"

He knows Cas isn't the most affectionate guy ever, so Dean's glad when he puts his arm around Dean too. It makes him feel like this is reciprocal at least on some level, and not just Cas being Cas or just okay with it.

"He was raving and covered in blood." If Dean was looking for a sugar-coating, he came to the wrong place.

"That was after he disappeared for a week and shortly after that, he disappeared for good. Soon after, you disappeared and I didn't see you again until you'd lost your memories of this place."

"Wait. What?" He picks his head up enough so he can look down at Cas with his look of surprise and faint irritation; Cas never mentioned this before, did he? Dean's pretty sure he would've remembered that.

"How'd he get covered in blood? What happened to him?"

"We thought that the scientists had him." Castiel doesn't flinch. "I did tell you that he'd been here and that he was missing."

The other details weren't relevant when Sam was missing. The last thing they needed was Dean trying to stage a suicide rescue from a place they don't know the location of.

"Has that ever happened before? To anyone else?" So much for feeling calm, really; Dean's still holding Cas, and he isn't really planning on getting up, but now he's worried. Why would they go after Sam more than anyone else?

"What was he raving about? Could you fix him?"

"It was nothing I understood, but he's not the only one who's been taken and come back... strange, no."

He frowns.

"Dean, we should focus on fixing what we know is still wrong with him."

Cas has a point, but Dean doesn't know how to fix that either. He slumps back down, thinking Cas's words over, and then sighs as he relents to them. He pulls Cas closer, turns his head to set his lips on Cas's shoulder, and he presses a kiss there before he resettles.

"Fine. Does that mean you can fix him?" He isn't hopeful, and that's not a slight on Cas. He said that Sam was damaged in ways Cas couldn't help. Still, couldn't hurt to ask.

"Doubtful. I'm weaker now than I was before, but my brothers are here and fickle as they are, they might help."

Though he won't hold his breath. Any other human, maybe, but not a Winchester.

"Yeah, fat chance." And that's Dean's fault, he knows. If he's going to make up with any of them, it'd be Gabriel because at least they have something of a history of working together. He doesn't know Raphael that well, except he was anti-free will, so that's not a mark in his favor.

"Balthazar might." Dean figures an archangel might have a better shot of doing something about it, but they could at least start there.

"I haven't completely pissed him off." He fidgets and then shrugs. "Only a little."

Castiel levels him with an unamused look. "I think you should let me do the asking."

Not only is he more likely to get results, but it's less likely to get Dean killed.

"Hey, I got it. You ask Balthazar, and I'll ask Alfie." Dean sounds almost a little proud of himself because he hasn't managed to completely alienate one entire angel other than Cas. Sure, Cas kind of killed him, but he was in Terminator mode or some shit. Besides, as far as Dean knows, Alfie has no clue what went down. So, there's that.

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i will hold as long as you like

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