don't let me darken your door

[venatical]

Who: Dean and Cas
When: Day 220
Where: The kitchen
What: Dean finally remembers Castiel.
Warnings: None yet!

According to everyone else, there are still holes in Dean's memory, still people he doesn't know, and Dean doesn't want to believe all that except... He can tell that he's missing pieces in his memory; when he looks at this guy, at Castiel, it's like he can feel the empty space where he's supposed to be, but... There's nothing.

He's sort of gotten used to it. Sort of, except that it still gives him the willies when he looks at Cas.

Dean walks into the kitchen to get something to eat, and he senses someone else's presence immediately. Of course, it's Cas.

"Oh. Hey." He ducks away from his eyes as he goes about trying to fix his sandwich.

Comments

[happytobleed]

"Hello, Dean."

Castiel can't give up the hope that Dean might remember, even if no one has regained lost memories so far. He can't give up, because even if Dean doesn't remember him, he still loves Dean.

Maybe if he forces Dean to spend enough time looking at Castiel's face, he'll remember, but Castiel's been avoiding him, because it hurts too much to think about the fact that Dean may never remember him again here.

[venatical]

Good talk. Dean figures he should be trying to reconnect with Cas, but it's hard to figure out how to do that when being around him makes him feel queasy, knowing there's so much between them, and Dean can't begin to guess at what any of it is. He gives him a nod and then finishes putting together his sandwich.

When he leans over to get a beer from the fridge, his vision whites out, and he barely keeps himself from falling over. Pain blossoms in his temples, and he stumbles backward, unseeing; he might be crying out, he's not sure. He's only aware of the sudden sharpness of the pain and the fact that he can't blink his vision back into place yet.

[happytobleed]

Castiel's about to leave the room when he hears a crash behind him and suddenly Dean is on the ground. He forgets himself entirely and drops to the floor next to Dean with a thud loud enough to bruise knees.

"Dean! Dean!"

He starts grabbing at Dean's clothes, trying to figure out what's wrong. His hands slide over Dean's face, over his chest and arm before finally coming to rest on his bicep.

"Come on."

[venatical]

Dean's floating in this painful whiteness, unaware exactly of where he is, if he's fallen, if anything hurts other than his head, until Cas's hand finds his bicep; that, he feels. That touch pulls him out of the whiteness, and as the world starts to filter back in, his memory fills back in too, stunningly fast.

He gasps as he comes to, and he clings back to Cas's arm, appreciating the solid weight of Cas because he finally remembers what that actually means, what Cas means to him and vice versa.

"Cas," he says, still clinging hard to him. He blinks his eyes back into focus and looks up at him, almost unbelieving. "Cas."

[happytobleed]

"I'm right here."

Dean's voice almost breaks him, because Dean hasn't said his name like that in weeks, not since his memories disappeared.

His hand slips from Dean's arm to wrap around him. Even if it's in his head, just hearing Dean's voice like that does something to his chest.

"Dean, it's okay."

[venatical]

Is it okay? Because maybe he's remembering Cas again finally, but he forgot Cas. For a few solid weeks, he had no idea who Cas was, and how is that even possible? How could he even be... himself without Cas in there, too? He doesn't know what to say yet, and anyway he figures anything he might have to say wouldn't begin to touch what he's feeling.

Instead, he wraps his arm around the back of Cas's shoulders and he pulls him in for a hug. His eyes are still open wide, blinking, startled and unsure, and he's clinging hard onto Cas, afraid to let him go.

[happytobleed]

Castiel, awkward as ever, wraps his arms around Dean and just half-falls against him.

"Tell me you remember, Dean." He's practically shaking now. "Please."

Dean has to remember him. He has to remember what they've been through and what they are, because that's everything to Castiel and he can't make it here without Dean.

[venatical]

Dean's shaking too from the emotion of it all, maybe, probably, but also from the weight of all the memories flooding through his brain, the rush of input, the reminder of everything that Cas has ever meant to him, and everything he's ever meant to Cas.

"I remember," he says, and his voice is thick with it. How could he have forgotten? How could someone have erased Cas from his life?

Those fucking bastards.

"I remember everything. Jesus, Cas." What if he'd never remembered? What would his life have been like?

[happytobleed]

Without even thinking about it, Castiel leans up to press his lips to Dean's. If Dean remembers, then he must remember this and Castiel has been worried that he would never have it again.

Dean is dead back on Earth and he hadn't remembered Castiel at all here. It had been the prospect of losing Dean.

[venatical]

Yeah, Dean remembers this, and it's almost too much for him to be able to kiss back at first. This brings a whole new crop of memories to the surface -- not things they've done together, but how Cas kisses, what he tastes like, what his lips feel like. He's slow to respond, but then he has a hand against the back of Cas's neck, and he's pressing tighter to him.

"Those bastards," he says, out loud this time and with more venom, and he kisses Cas harder. Those bastards almost took this away from Dean forever and that's unfuckingforgivable.

[happytobleed]

Castiel stays close, nose still touching Deans as he pulls back just enough to open his eyes and look at Dean's blurry face.

"You remember." It's not a question. "Dean, I thought--I went home and where this place took me back from, you're--You and I are separated."

[venatical]

Dean frowns, not quite confused, but... okay, a little confused. So Cas is from his future now? Dean still isn't as up to speed as Cas is? Yeah, he's doing a lot better than he was, but that's still annoying.

"Ssh," he says, and he touches Cas's cheek. "It won't be for long. Never is."

That's big talk coming from Dean, who's almost always afraid the next time Cas walks out is going to be the last one, but Cas looks like he needs the reassurance, and Dean wants to give it. He wants to believe in it because he might never have come back from this one.