kore_logs | wear it all vintage, misery

Entry tags:

wear it all vintage, misery

Who: Jesse Finch & Bruce Banner
What: Jesse's realized what bothers him about the recent Hulk out, and he needs to tell Bruce.
When: Day 54, evening
Where: House 6
Warnings: Swearing, discussions of child abuse and shitty parenting. Will be updated as needed.

[ It takes him two days to really just absorb it, and figure it out completely. Galen gets him to think about it, and Jesse has to get his feelings in order to be able to express it, to get it out first in the form of paint and ink, before he can make it into words. Words are the hardest for him. But he thinks he has it straight now, and he needs to tell Bruce.

Bruce probably doesn't want to hear it - probably has enough problems, but Jesse just wants to do that last bit of releasing the misery. He'll be quick, he promises - and that's why he ends up at Bruce's house, fidgeting on the porch. Just knock, it'll be fine. Hopefully it'll be Bruce who answers, but what if it isn't? He'd have to explain - okay, this is stupid.

In the end, he sends Bruce a message on the communicators, curled up outside on a bench nearby. ] Ay. Bruce, you around?

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[ Bruce is at home with some hot chocolate when he gets the message. He's been doing absorbing of his own, processing what happened and unhappened with Nathan, and what that means for the Hulk and how he feels about him. Seeing that it's Jesse, he feels nervous and glad to see him, considering their last chat wasn't exactly lighthearted. ]

Jesse? Sure. What's up?

[ He can offer a smile, anyway. ] Hey. You're home, yeah? Can I come talk t'you? Or - uh. Well, not go anywhere, m'already here. Wanted to talk t'just you.

[ This strikes him as an important kind of talk. ] Of course, Jesse. You -- did you say you were already here? Come on, I'll meet you at the door.

[ He could tell him not to be so shy about knocking the next time, but he doesn't want to make him feel awkward for not being able to this time. He just gets up and goes to the door, unlocking it and pulling it open. ]

[ He heads to the door, and when Bruce opens it, Jesse shifts a little and nods in greeting. He's nervous - but he knows he doesn't have to fear Bruce in any way. ]

Hey. I gotta - tell you something important. [ Might as well just put it all out on the table. ] If that's alright. If yer busy it can wait, yeah?

No, no, come on in. [ He stands back and waves Jesse through. ] Do you want anything to eat or drink? Not that there's much.

[ He's worried, but glad that Jesse still trusts him like this. ]

No, m'good. [ He murmurs. This is going to be hard, and he's not sure how he's going to get through it. He could barely talk about it to Galen. ] First - you're good, yeah? Like, okay. Tony's been looking out for you.

[ Considering the teenager the Hulk killed isn't as dead as was previously, Bruce is doing okay, but he's still slightly rattled from everything. Tony is, however, definitely his rock, so he can smile and squeeze Jesse's shoulder. ]

I'm good, considering. Tony's done so much looking out for me I'm surprised he hasn't run into something.

[ He also knows that's not what's really bothering Jesse, but he's patient and can wait for him to keep going on his own, set his own pace. ]

Good. [ Jesse sighs, and he manages a smile back for Bruce. It might take him a while to get completely comfortable, if ever, but he's trying. He doesn't flinch when Bruce touches him, at least.

Jesse takes a deep breath. ] You don't scare me. I - just getting that straight. First off. But I gotta - I wanna tell you about something. Cause all the shit that's gone down lately made me think about it.

[ He's afraid of this conversation, even if maybe he shouldn't be. Jesse clearly isn't upset with him. He's still nervous, anyway, and he gestures to the living room. ]

Why don't you sit down then? This feels like a conversation we shouldn't have standing up.

[ Definitely. Jesse nods, and rubs at his face before heading over to settle down. And even then, he's on the edge of his seat, literally, fidgeting. Deep breaths. Don't freak out. ]

I ain't... told anybody this. Except for Galen. [ Jesse starts with, when Bruce settles down as well. He doesn't look him in the eye. ] I don't - like to talk about it. But s'been popping up in my dreams, and Galen got me t'think about the connection, and -

[ Okay, pause. ] It starts with you, I guess.

[ Bruce follows him and sits, leaning forward and resting his arms on his knees, which also lets him rub his hands together. There isn't a way he can get through this conversation without clenching his hands, he can already tell. ]

With me? Okay. I'm listening.

[ And he won't tell anyone else, either, since this is so secretive for Jesse. ]

Starts with you 'cause of how you act with me, I guess. [ Jesse starts after a while, staring down at his feet. ] When I was young, like - just a kid. I had t'do a lotta stuff by myself. Dad wasn't 'round much. And when he was...

[ He sighs out heavily. ] Real asshole type, yeah? [ Jesse chances a look at Bruce, then back down. ] He'd - I had a smart mouth and I hated his stupid fucking face, so I'd be snide and he'd try t'beat the shit outta me in return. [ Maybe he's a little pale. ] Stopped real quick when I started fighting back, but it - it went - it happened for a while.

So - I never had a dad. Not really.

[ Well, that's all too familiar, isn't it? Though Bruce didn't talk back. It was enough that he existed.

Bruce looks stricken, but then someone he cares for just told him some horrible news; looking stricken is apt. He squeezes his hands tighter, and that might be more telling. He nods, his eyes full of sympathy. ]

I'm sorry to hear that, Jesse.

[ Jesse coughs, just once, and looks away, shifting uncomfortably. This is a lot to let out. ] It don't bother me so much as it did.

But that's - that's my point. 'Cause like, I know this is probably real creepy of me, but you been like - real good t'me. Kinda like a dad. [ He breathes out slow. ] And it ain't your fault, I ain't blaming you, so don't take it that way, yeah? That's why the green guy bothered me so bad.

And I didn't know why it did 'til Galen talked me through it. And I just - wanted t'tell you. I needed t'get it out, right?

[ So... This is it, then. He's become his father almost literally. The Hulk is the embodiment of a kind of rage he never wanted to give himself over to, and now he's hurt and scared someone that he, yes, had been treating like a son. And Bruce supposes it's inevitable that history would repeat itself. ]

Okay. [ He lets out a slow breath and looks away, down at his hands, because he doesn't want Jesse to see how profoundly... heartbroken Bruce is. It's not Jesse's fault; this is just... truth. ]

Do you want me to stay away from you? Would that help?

[ For a second, Jesse is just quiet, and a little confused - and then he frowns deeply and reaches to grab Bruce's hand, almost hesitantly. ]

No. [ Jesse says, like it's the most obvious thing in the world. ] No, no, you're - no. [ Okay, get your thoughts together. Speak words. ] No, Bruce, I don't want you t'stay away. Look, m'telling you that it reminded me of it cause I realized you're - like, real important. Alright? You're better than that fuck of a bastard ever was. [ He nearly spits it out, and he - maybe sparks a little, which makes him quickly drop his hand and fidget back. Just gloss over it. ]

And I got you, y-- yeah? I don't want that to go away. [ He's being the most honest he possibly can be, and it's terrifying. ] It bothered me, sure, but just - cause it was him. 'Cause it dredged that up, something that I ain't thought about in years. But... talkin' bout it helps. I just... didn't wanna - it digs holes in me sometimes.

[ He's not being pushed away? Kicked out? He almost wants to tell Jesse that he shouldn't accept Bruce back into his life because Bruce accepted his father back and what -- what good did he get out of it? But it's not the same; the situations aren't the same, and Jesse's saying as much. He's surprised to see it offered, but he takes Jesse's hand and holds it between both of his own like it's something precious, which it is, until he takes it away again. Bruce misses the sparks for now. ]

You have me. [ He confirms it with a nod, and he lifts his head. ] You can talk about him. I'm here to listen. And maybe I can... [ He presses his lips together and considers his words, then decides on the perfect thing to say. ]

Your dad and my dad should get together and go bowling.

[ It surprises a laugh out of him. He looks up at Bruce, half grinning - it's terrible, he shouldn't be, that's a terrible implication, but... he's not alone. Bruce can share that with him - through a quote, even, one of Jesse's favorite movies. It just reinforces the feeling he has. And that makes him feel a little better.

Jesse fidgets, swallows a little hard, and looks down at his feet again, trying his hardest not to let the sparks get out. They're really trying, though. ]

... M'sorry about that. [ Deep breath. ] I mean, A plus on the reference, s'good, but - I wouldn't wish that shit on my worst enemy. [ He scrubs his hands through his hair. ] There ain't much to say. He's a dick. Still is. Ripped everything I did t'shreds, y'know?

But you don't. Y'didn't. Y'said I was worth it.

[ He's glad for the laugh; Jesse needs to laugh to break this up; while it's good that he's expressing himself, getting mired or lost in the feelings isn't good either. He smiles and waves off Jesse's concern as being unnecessary; he's had time to get over his father, in theory, even though Bruce knows well enough that he's still haunted now, too.

He does know, all too well, what he means by ripping everything Jesse did to threads, and that probably shows in the empathy practically oozing out of him. He rubs his hands together, concerned, until Jesse switches subjects, and a small smile creeps onto Bruce's face. ]

You are worth it, Jesse. I've known that since the moment I met you.

[ It practically makes him squirm with happiness. That's what he needs, though maybe he doesn't quite register that he does. It's acceptance. It's good, and Jesse looks down at his hands, half-grinning to himself. ]

... Thanks. [ Jesse says softly, and he looks up at Bruce. He can practically feel the empathy, and it makes him feel more solid. More real. Deep breath, and Jesse - maybe has to force this part out, but he needs Bruce to know, he needs to be able to express this to someone who cares. ]

You takin' my drawing. Meant a lot. [ He smiles again. ] Literally ripped t'shreds, those. Not in front'a me. But I found 'em. You done a lot for me, even though y'might not think y'have.

So - y'mean a lot. T'me, and I know that sounds fuckin' weird, but - look, m'being honest as fuck so I might as well be a total sissy and lay it out, right? [ He clears his throat, almost embarrassed. ]

[ Bruce is beaming, so there. He doesn't usually smile as widely as this without being self-conscious about it, but there's nothing at all to be self-conscious about here, not with the way their relationship is. Bruce is, really, brimming over with the parental kind of love going on here, and he moves to sit next to Jesse so he can set his hand against his back and rub it gently. ]

It doesn't sound weird at all. You mean a lot to me too, Jesse. There's nothing sissy about any of this. [ And he tries not to sound too disapproving of his word choice. Feelings aren't sissy, but that's a topic for later. Bruce opens his mouth to talk, but then hesitates, thinking his words through first. ]

I can't exactly have kids, but Jesse, I'm... more than happy to think of you that way. More than.

[ Are... are you trying to break him, Bruce?

Because he doesn't think it's sissy either (that wasn't the word he was going to use, but Bruce), because he thinks this could possibly be one of the best things to happen to him. Because Bruce says Jesse means a lot to him, rubs his back and smiles. Says he thinks of Jesse like a son, and it immediately makes his eyes burn. He can't stop the grin, and he can't stop the heat behind his eyes, but he tries. ]

... Didn't think I'd ever hear something like that. [ He says, half to himself. When he looks at Bruce, he shifts, and wraps his arms around himself loosely. ] I think'a you as a dad. Like I said. You're fucking - five times infinity the guy my asshole of a father is, alright?

[ He pauses, and looks down at his feet. Reaches up to rub at his eyes a little, trying to be somewhat sneaky as he can about it. ] So thanks. Makes it easier to breathe.

[ He doesn't know; is Jesse trying to break him? He isn't trying to hide how much his eyes are shining as he wraps his arm more firmly around Jesse's back and pulls him in against his side. ]

I've been wanting to hear that my whole life. [ He's been reassured that he isn't his father, but it's a little different coming from someone who looks to him as a father. Despite the Hulk and everything, he hasn't failed Jesse; Jesse isn't afraid of him, isn't pushing him away. ]

Thank you, Jesse.

[ He'll take that hug. It brings him right back to being high, curling up against Bruce and letting himself be taken care of. And - Bruce is reassured, even better, he's happy, and Jesse thinks ha, Lydia was wrong. Bruce never has to worry about Jesse hurting him, not on purpose, and Jesse curls into the embrace, resting his head on Bruce's shoulder, proud of himself. Content with himself.

The happiness he feels curls in his chest, and - well, intense emotions like this, they aren't bad, not always. But he does maybe spark a little after a minute or two, mostly just in his hands. Not enough to hurt, but it still happens, and he still tries to stuff his hands into his shirt to avoid having to show it, eyes on his feet.

He'd move away, but - he needs the contact. ]

[ The sparks are almost subtle enough for Bruce to miss them, and definitely he doesn't want to do much to break this embrace or this moment; it doesn't seem fair that a place so horrific as this would give him some of his closest relationships. It's like some kind of twisted, evil summer camp.

It's a few seconds after the sparks happen that they reach up through Bruce's thoughts and make him take notice. Something weird with Jesse's hands, and Kobra. He draws back slightly, just enough to see Jesse's hands. ]

What was that?

[ He squirms a little. Nope. He does not want to talk about this right now. Not when he'd been enjoying the moment so much. ]

Nothing. [ Wow, that was a great lie. And of course, because he's nervous, he sparks a little more. Crap. Jesse digs his hands into his shirt, biting his lip. ]

Jesse. What's wrong with your hands?

[ He can't help the concern that creeps into his voice. Kobra had fire hands and look how that ended. He doesn't think Jesse is going to make him Hulk out or anything, but he clearly lacks control over this power, whatever it is. ]

Have you always been able to do that? Talk to me.

[ No, he doesn't want to. Jesse squirms away a little, but there's no getting away from it. ]

... No. [ He swallows hard. Don't be mad. ] S'nothing - it was a gift. [ He says it almost defensively, scowling suddenly. His hands spark again, and he winces - it doesn't hurt, it's just a snap and crackle of noise. ]

[ He won't be mad so much as scared. If Jesse got these powers from the same place Kobra did, then he got them from the guy styling himself as Lucifer, as in the Devil, and Bruce thinks that has bad news written all over it. He doesn't believe in the Devil, but that doesn't mean this Lucifer can be as dangerous as the fictional Devil is supposed to be. ]

A gift? From who? [ Though he thinks he already knows the answer. ]

[ His scowl just gets deeper. ] I dunno. Some guy, he never introduced himself right. Galen said he was Lucifer, but I dunno for sure.

I ain't hurt anybody with it. I been practicing, making sure nobody's gonna get fucked over by it. I can protect people now. [ And now he stares Bruce in the face. ] I don't gotta hide anymore.

[ Why why why do people think having powers is automatically some kind of benefit? Some kind of boon? That's never going to backfire or make them miserable or completely alter how they interact with and fit in with the world? He doesn't actually facepalm, and that's a conscious effort for Jesse's benefit. ]

Maybe that's true, but I can tell you that the guy who gave you those powers calls himself Lucifer and told me that he is, you know, the Devil. [ Bruce's skepticism is clear. ] I don't think the Devil exists, but the fact that he's pretending to be him should say a lot, don't you think?

[ He bites his lip, and then nods at Jesse's hands. ] He gave Kobra powers too. That's some of what we were fighting about that day.

[ Bruce doesn't get it, Jesse thinks, because Bruce doesn't have to be afraid of tigers or lions. He doesn't have to worry about his significant other getting eaten or torn apart, because Bruce can protect him if he has the chance. Jesse has that same opportunity now, and he doesn't care that the Devil gave them over. It makes no difference.

It doesn't until Bruce mentions Kobra. That makes Jesse pause.

When he answers, he's a little indignant. ] Yeah, but I ain't a fucking moron! I ain't using it for anything but self defense, Bruce! What was he doing - bet he was gonna go after someone, yeah? 'Cause that's what they do, they're fuckin' anarchists.

[ Well. Party and Kobra are, in Jesse's opinion. Ghoul... well. Ghoul's a different story. ]

[ That is... exactly what Kobra did, yes, but that's not really even the point that Bruce is trying to make. ]

I know what you want to do with these powers; I know you want to do good things with them. I'm not worried about that. What I am worried about is when this person calling himself Lucifer comes around again and asks for his payment, or something backfires hideously, because Jesse, nothing is free. Think about it. Would someone passing himself off as the Devil do something good out of the kindness of his heart, no strings attached?

[ Bruce has a point, and Jesse doesn't like it. He rubs at the back of his neck, looking away. No, there's probably strings attached, but he doesn't care. ]

He said it was free. [ Jesse says halfheartedly, but he's not that stupid. He knows. ] Whatever. I don't care. There's a price? Bring it. I know what'm doing, I ain't a stupid kid.

[ He bristles a little at that, because - because, well. All he can hear is Sharon's voice telling him he's immature, and it just makes him even more mad. His hands spark again, and he makes a frustrated noise and stands up to go pace. ]

You don't have to be a kid to do something stupid. I was 36 when I turned myself into what I am now. [ Maybe deflecting some of this will help Jesse realize that Bruce doesn't think less of him, but that this is still a problem that needs to be addressed. He pinches the bridge of his nose and then lets his hand drop. ]

I thought I was doing the right thing too. I really thought what we were doing would work, and that it would revolutionize health and medicine research. So I experimented on myself, and it got out of hand and now I am what I am.

[ Jesse - hears it. He does. And he understands it's a big deal, but he doesn't care. It can kill him, it can do whatever - Lucifer can come collect his soul, whatever he wants. All that matters is Jesse can protect people. That he doesn't have to watch people die. ]

... I don't care. [ Jesse mutters, shoving his hands in his pockets, back to Bruce. ] It don't matter to me. I ain't gonna sit around and watch things take advantage of me or Galen or anybody here when I can make a difference. [ He looks over his shoulder at Bruce. ]

Nothing I can do about it now, so don't worry 'bout it.

[ He sighs. He really doesn't understand why people think having powers, being stronger, is better than anything else. It's actually a host of problems and usually winds up sucking, a lot. ]

Alright. I'm just saying you're probably already being taken advantage of, right now, as we speak. I'm not going to ask you to give these powers up; I just want you to be able to see that and be prepared to deal with it.

[ Jesse's never had powers before, so he wouldn't know. He sighs, keeping his hands in his pockets. ] I am. I knew from when he gave 'em to me. [ He's responsible! And now he's going to stand over here awkwardly and mentally curse himself for ruining a good thing. ]

[ Bruce gives him some space for a second, then gets up and goes over to him, putting his hands on his shoulders. If Bruce is going to take on this role, then he has to be a good father. A good father wouldn't boot Jesse out for making this dumb choice, and he's not going to march Jesse up to other Loki and have him see if he can take these powers away. Yet. He needs to be available when Jesse needs him for help with this, and Jesse needs to believe he can come to him. ]

Okay. Then you know what you should do is practice. That's the only way you'll get good control over what you can do. I can try to give you some pointers on controlling your body, controlling and channeling your emotions. If you want.

[ It's - surprising. And nice, and Jesse relaxes just a little when Bruce puts his hands on his shoulders. Bruce is being accepting. It makes him feel a little less awkward. Like Bruce isn't going to yell at him. Jesse looks over his shoulder at Bruce, and sort of deflates. ]

I been trying. I go out to target practice trees. [ He rubs at his face. ] But - yeah. Pointers are good. [ Okay, whatever, he wants another hug (maybe he's a little deprived) so he turns and presses his face against Bruce's shoulder. ] Thanks. [ For not yelling. For not striking. For a lot of things. ]

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wear it all vintage, misery

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