kore_logs | it's a blacked out blur

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it's a blacked out blur

Who: Bruce and Tony
When: Day 71
Where: Their house
What: Now Bruce is back for real, and he needs to get the lowdown on the haps from Tony.

Bruce wakes up with a monumental case of cotton-brain and a throbbing behind his temples; it's like the worst hangover ever, only he knows he doesn't drink enough to get hangovers, and all his blackouts are from the Hulk. But he doesn't remember Hulking out either. Groaning quietly, he squints around the room to check where he is and to check the level of destruction, but since things seem to be mostly okay, he takes a minute to rub at his eyes and wait for his brain processes to start up again.

After a few minutes, he pushes himself up to a sitting position, waits for his head to stop swirling, and then climbs out of bed. No Tony, but he has to be around, right? Someone put him in bed and put his pants back on -- actually, maybe it wasn't Tony, in that case. He shuffles out into the front room, squinting into the light and leaning against the wall as he goes.

"Tony?" His voice sounds like he hasn't used it in ages.

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Bruce’s scrutiny isn’t something Tony enjoys. Everything in him wants to either sink back against the couch in hopes that the cushion swallows him or get up and pace off some of the nervous fight-or-flight energy building inside him. The easiest answer in the short term is to lie, pretend that he doesn’t know what Bruce is talking about, and change the subject. And he wants to do it. He just doesn’t want to lie to him.

Which brings him uncomfortably back to the truth. And he knows that the truth is going to cause a problem.

“What, and turn into Steve? No. I’m not a soldier. I’m not going to make myself into the super variety.” He knows he should leave it at that; it answers Bruce’s question and it isn’t a lie, but Tony has always had a problem with saying too much. “I’m just going to make a few minor alterations to my genetic code. No super strength, no super speed, no fire breathing.”

It takes just about every ounce of patience Bruce has not to flip out here and now. This is what he and Tony fought over that finally led to Bruce pushing him away, and while that had nothing to do with the reason for their time apart, it still wasn't something they ever really went back and resolved. He inhales through his nose and exhales through his mouth, as subtly as possible, and he closes his eyes for a few seconds.

"Because nothing can go wrong and accidentally give you super speed or fire breath or..." He lifts his eyebrows. He can't say monster. He can't really imply the Hulk is bad, can he, without alienating Tony. "Any unexpected side effects?"

Here we go, Tony thinks, inwardly bracing for the explosion. He remembers the last time they went down this path and it leaves him feeling anxious and sick to his stomach.

“Ordinarily, no. You’re right.” He hasn’t gotten better at fighting over the year he’s been at home, but he desperately wants to keep this from blowing up. “There’s a lot that can go wrong with it. Everything that happened with it since it was created is proof of that. But this isn’t me playing around with something that I don’t understand. And it’s not me letting my ego run wild, either.” Because he can just imagine what it must sound like.

“I fixed it, Bruce. It was killing Pepper and I fixed it. I know I can use it the way it was meant to be used because I’ve done it already. Without side-effects. Without anything unexpected happening.” He lowers his voice to something quiet and somber. “I wouldn’t take a risk like this with myself if I didn’t know I could do it.”

He arches his eyebrow, entirely skeptical of the idea that Tony wouldn't risk himself without having properly tested everything. Maybe Tony thinks he can do it, but there's a difference between Tony knowing he's ready and Tony actually being ready. The idea is pretty terrifying; there's so much that can go wrong, even if he supposedly knows what he's doing, even if the serum works.

"You fixed it once. In one person who isn't you. What if your body reacts to it differently? What if you get something a tiny bit different in the serum this time? This isn't something you should play with, Tony. Not when you're -- " He stops, clenching his jaw, and he lowers his eyes.

"Don't fix what isn't broken, right?"

Because Bruce intends to find out if this serum can cure him, but not before he checks everything first.

“Sometimes it feels like I’m broken.” It’s a quiet admission and it slips out of his mouth before he can stop it. There’s no getting it back once it’s spoken and in the interest of not elaborating on it – if he even needs to do that, he thinks it’s kind of self-explanatory – he reaches out to touch Bruce’s arm.

“Ten years ago, I wouldn’t care. I admit it. Three years ago, I wouldn’t care. But this isn’t three years ago. It’s now. And I’m not going to do anything to jeopardize the one thing that actually makes me happy.” He gives Bruce a pointed look, hoping that it’s obvious that he’s talking about him.

Now or never, he thinks, and since they’ve already come this far down the road, he takes a deep breath and takes the plunge. “And I gave him my word that I’d do it. Use the serum to make sure you never have to be alone again, no matter how long you live.”

Well, doesn't that admission cut right through Bruce? Tony feeling broken or inadequate is different from him being actually, physically, zapped-himself-with-gamma-rays broken (or this serum, or any other serum, etc.), but Bruce can't go around saying that. That's his opinion; Tony clearly has another one. The fact that he took out the reactor should say a lot, especially compared to his speech on the helicarrier to Bruce about how much it meant to him. He's clearly in a different headspace.

It takes Bruce all the way to the end of Tony's sentence for him to figure out who the him is, and then he clenches his jaw and looks away.

"You really want to be immortal?"

Does he want to be immortal? No, not really. He’s spent the majority of his adult life trying to kill himself. Through alcohol, through reckless behavior, through failing to adhere to common sense and the dictates of his self-preservation instincts. It’s not as overt as the gun in the mouth attempt that Bruce revealed he tried, but Tony isn’t as strong as Bruce. He’s too much of a coward to do something that easy.

“I really want to be with you,” he says quietly. Maybe this is one of those times where Bruce needs space, but Tony reaches out to touch his jaw anyway. It’s not an attempt to force him to look at him. If he doesn’t want to, Tony won’t push the issue. But it’s a request that he do so, if he feels like it.

“And if that means being immortal, then that’s what I have to do. I wasn’t kidding when I said you were stuck with me.”

Bruce isn't sure what he needs right now, but with Tony telling him something as ridiculously romantic and probably stupid as that, Bruce can turn his head for him. The thing is that Bruce doesn't want to be immortal, and if he'd had his way once upon a time he wouldn't even be alive now. Hell, if the accident had gone the way it should've, he wouldn't be here. Why Tony would want to sign onto Bruce's not so excellent adventure into indefinite life is beyond him.

And this is where the whole Tony-and-Hulk thing gets weird mostly because he can't even be that repulsed. Bruce is getting older. He figures at some point his body'll give out, or else he'll just be the oldest and wrinkliest scientist on the planet, and at that point the Hulk will take over completely. That's scary, unless he has Tony with him. And what if some part of Bruce is still around?

That's not to say Bruce isn't perfectly capable of suffering if it means a better life for the people he cares about.

"Tony, I love you." He reaches up and takes the hand from his jaw, holding it instead. "And that's why I can't let you do this, not if you're only doing it to be with me."

Historically, telling Tony that he can’t do something serves not as the detriment that it’s supposed to be, but as encouragement and motivation to do the forbidden thing. Saying that someone else won’t let him pursue a course of action only serves to goad him into disobedience that much faster. It’s been a fact of his life since he was old enough to make decisions for himself, and it continues to be one now.

His respect and feelings for Bruce won’t let him be an ass about disagreeing with him, but his mind’s already been made up. He’s made a promise to the Hulk. His faults notwithstanding, Tony doesn’t go back on a promise if he can help it, and he can help it here. One way or another, he's going to do this.

“How about I make you a deal?” Ordinarily, he isn’t the sort to compromise, but for Bruce, he thinks he can make an exception. “If something happens, you suddenly discover that you’re not as immortal as you claimed to be on the helicarrier or you reintegrate with the Hulk, I’ll reverse the serum. I can do that. It doesn’t have to be a permanent change. Doing a system restore to factory settings will always be an option.”

There's no way he's stopping Tony from doing this, is there? The formula checks out as far as he can tell, but he hasn't had time to fiddle with it obviously to know whether or not Tony is representing the facts properly, if the reversal works as well as he's saying or as he believes. Not that he thinks Tony would lie to him, but Tony could be blinded by the science. That happens easily enough.

"You've had your mind made up to do something like this for a long time." He should take that deal, except he doesn't even want to put any kind of stamp of approval on this idea at all.

"I'll never be okay with this."

“Use what’s been turned into a glorified super-soldier serum to enhance my longevity? No.” In the interest of total transparency, and because he’s a terrible liar when it comes to the people that he cares about, Tony decides that leveling with him completely is better that trying to talk his way out of it. That has only ever ended badly for everyone involved.

“What I made my mind up to do was to find a way to ensure that I could stay with you. Which, by the way, I was hoping you would be happy about. Not angry or disappointed or disapproving or whatever this is.” It’s not that easy and he knows that there are other issues at work here, but if there’s ever been a more obvious expression of devotion, he doesn’t know what it is. And he thought it would be a good thing.

“Finding Extremis just made it so that I wouldn’t have to start from scratch. But I would have figured this out on my own.” A thought strikes and his eyes narrow. “And if you even for a second entertain the idea of tossing me out of your life to save me or some such stupid thing, forget it. I’ll do it anyway.”

"Why do you think I'd be happy with you altering your genetic code, screwing around with your DNA, and tempting fate to do something horrible to you? I don't care how much you've perfected it; this soldier serum has fucked up peoples' lives everywhere you look, and I wouldn't be surprised if this one killed you or worse."

Because Bruce knows sometimes dying is the better way to go. That Tony would think Bruce would want a symbol of devotion like this is actually enough to get him angry, and he pushes himself up from the couch, needing to distance himself, needing to gather his faculties and let himself be angry without being too angry, or they'll run into some problems.

"You really think this is something I'd want? Yes, of course I love you, and I'd like to be with you as long as that's possible, but Jesus, Tony. Can't you see how this is like me standing by to watch one of the worst things that ever happened to me, go and happen to you?"

And now they’re fighting. He hates fighting. That’s why he doesn’t do it, why he gets up and walks away whenever it starts. Because he can’t stand it and inevitably, it ends with him saying or doing something he regrets. Anxiety coils in his stomach as he watches Bruce walk away, scratches up into his chest and makes him want to move. Walk or fidget, it doesn’t matter what. Just expend the energy that’s building inside of him before he lashes out.

“Then what am I supposed to do? Just get older? Be okay with that? Let the years go by, knowing that I’ll be leaving you behind? Is that it?”

It’s too close to too many wounds and it drives him to his feet, makes him put distance of his own between them simply because he needs to move and can’t resist the impulse anymore. He fetches up in the doorway of the kitchen, presses his back against it and glances at Bruce.

“Is that really what you want me to do?”

He could've handled Tony wanting to do this ridiculous, stupid thing, but that he wants to do it for Bruce, and that he thought Bruce would be happy that Tony is so devoted he would do this -- that's what's pissing him off because that's like... Jesus, does Tony listen to him? He knows he does, but how could he think this is something that Bruce would want? That he would encourage? He isn't nearly that selfish or self-serving, and he can be pretty self-interested.

"...yes." He holds his hands out. "Yes, Tony. I want you to get old. I want you to live your life the way you're supposed to because that's how much I love you. I know that's what you deserve."

He gestures to his body, points up at his hair. "It's not like we won't get old together. My body will probably die one day too, and the person you're looking at will probably cease to be."

Death. Always death. It all comes back to that. Bruce talks about his death so easily, his own easier still. Like it's good. Like it's something to be anticipated with enthusiasm.

In his mind's eye, he sees himself reaching across empty air, too slow, too weak, too late to save Pepper before she fell into the fire. He sees Yinsen laying in his own blood, bleeding out from a dozen gunshot wounds. Jarvis. His parents. Coulson. So many dead because he's never been capable of saving them. And just like them, he sees Bruce fading with age, disappearing despite anything he might try to do to prevent it. Because death is all he's ever been able to give to anyone and Bruce is right. Why should he get to avoid paying the piper his due?

"Fine." It's bitten out, harsh and a little too loud to his ears. He takes a breath, wrestles back control of himself, and tries again. "Fine. If that's what you want, sure. Forget I said anything about it."

He's suffocating, unable to breathe, and he pushes away from the doorway, heading for the door that will take him outside into the fresh air.

Bruce lets out a sigh and pinches the bridge of his nose, but he lets Tony go. They're both too upset to let this carry on, and Bruce Hulked out not that long ago; he doesn't need to let the rage build up and explode on him unexpectedly again. Maybe with some time to let this settle between them, they can see each other's position a little better. What he's mainly concerned about, though, is Tony really understanding what Bruce means. He says he gets it, but Bruce isn't so sure he really does, underneath.

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