maybe I'll sleep when I am dead

[rigging]

Who: Jesse Finch and PEOPLE
Where: Dreamland
When: Day 83-88
What: you can dream if you wanna
Warnings: Across the board warning for triggery content. References to child abuse, drugs, alcohol, death, lots of awful things. Good things too! But probably more bad, knowing me.

[ ooc: I'm going to write up a bunch of dreams for specific people under sub-threads in this post! So please don't tag the post, but tag the sub-thread for your character - I have planned things but I would ALWAYS be up for more. If you want me to write up a dream or plot up something for Jesse and your character, lemme know @tahdis on plurk, I'd be happy to come up with something with you I SERIOUSLY WANT ALL THE THINGS.

Still looking for possible dream fights with strangers, too! ]

Comments

[tooghoulforschool]

He doesn't have time to react to Jesse shrinking away from him before that bomb drops. Catches him way off guard. How did he know? Pinkman probably. It's a lot more complicated than just feeling guilty about Jesse and Ghoul doesn't want to get into it at all. Doesn't even want to address it. Besides, he'd already gotten his face punches. A few of them. What's another? And what does it matter if the next time Pinkman actually pulls the trigger?

Ghoul looks over at him all curled up and exhausted. "You're in no shape to be makin' threats, Finch." Hell, he shouldn't even be here. Alone? With him? Fuckin' stupid is what it is, especially after that dream. "Not the one that brought the gun. Been fuckin' tryin' to make it work, it just--" He's been trying for Jet, for Finch, for himself. Trying to seek forgiveness knowing he'll always be denied where it counts.

He lets out a long, shuddering sigh and pinches the bridge of his nose wile squeezing his eyes shut. It's complicated. There's so much...

[rigging]

Stiles, actually, though Jesse is pointedly not thinking about him, either. They're not exactly super close, but he liked the kid and the fact that he's not here makes a difference. As for Ghoul, his insistence makes Jesse's expression sour, and he pulls himself up, glaring. Look, he can make himself in shape to make threats. If anything, he's more dangerous this way, easily set off and scrappy as fuck.

"I don't give a shit that you didn't bring the gun. I already bitched him out about that. I was fuckin' told you were goading him on. I don't wanna hear your fucking excuses, just don't do that again." His breath comes in sharp and shuddery. A little more quietly: "You don't wanna be dead, Ghoul, not s'much as you think you do."

It's complicated, maybe, but Jesse sees it as simple as don't try to get someone to kill you. Especially not Pinkman. Guy isn't as tough as he seems, either.

"I know you been trying. But that ain't helping. if that had happened? It woulda affected a lot of people."

[tooghoulforschool]

Ghoul stands up more quickly, and more dangerous, than Jesse. His first instinct is to get in his face, grab him, sit his ass back down-- but he stops himself. His hands are clenched into fists at his sides and he has to step back. Move around the couch, keep it between them. Don't trust him, Finch. He'll hurt you again. He hurt Pinkman. He's a fucking monster.

Ghoul backs up until he's standing in the doorway to the kitchen, looking away from Jesse, and shaking his head.

"... M'already dead!" He spits out, venomously, "Doesn't make no difference if it happens here, too. Already dead. My crew is dead." And he just wanted to join them. Moment of weakness. Story of his fucking life.

[rigging]

No, see, he can be venomous, but this is where Jesse is putting his foot down. Ghoul's in the doorway to the kitchen and Jesse clenches his own fists. This isn't going to fly.

"No, fuck you!" Jesse shouts. "It does make a difference! It makes a difference to me. Y'keep saying all this shit about patching the cracks but y'can't help me by being suicidal, Fun Ghoul. You punishing yourself like that? Doesn't help." He doesn't move closer because he can't, he's a little too afraid, but he's pissed. "Your crew is dead, and I get it, you miss 'em. But you draggin' everybody down with you in a blaze of self pity ain't gonna fix a goddamn fucking thing."

He sucks in a breath. "You got no right to try and coach me into filling in the holes when you're so riddled y'can barely breathe."

[tooghoulforschool]

The words hit him like a slap in the face. The truth hurts and that's what Jesse's spewing at him. Nothing but the truth. Hiding it does no good if the person he's trying to help can see right through all his bullshit. Dragging everyone down, huh? Is that what he's doing? Because he was pretty damn sure that he was trying to help. What he does away from Jesse is his own damn business and it's not like...

"Not like I can just stop! Can't just stop feeling the way I feel. Fuckin'... soul crushin' every goddamn day. Lost everythin'! Got new people t'care about, lost them, too. Tryin' t'help fix what I did t'you an' you're sayin' i'm just... fuckin' draggin'-- CAN'T STOP IT, JESSE! Gotta patch and go. Fill the holes in light 'till the motor falls out, all you can do." He slides down the wall until he's sitting on the floor in the middle of the doorway, head in his hands. Everything he tries to hold onto, no matter how fucking tightly, just slips through his fingers. Anna's probably next if he gets too close. He's already close and he already lost her, what if she goes again? What if--

"Hard t'just get back the way it was." He wheezes, covering his face, don't you dare fucking cry. "Can't just snap my fingers n' make it better!" He can only try to hide it and hope that he's strong enough to hang in there... for a friend. A friend that's also hurting. A friend that he wants to be there for. He doesn't want to go, not really, but just some days... it would be so much easier.

[rigging]

Can't just snap his fingers and make it better. Yeah, that's familiar, and Jesse wraps his arms around himself.

For a minute, he's quiet. And then he makes his way over to Ghoul, slowly, and sinks down to sit right next to him, crossed legged and hoodie swallowing him up. Maybe he's full of holes, but so is Ghoul. And it's not fair to expect Ghoul to be better when he can't even get there himself. Ghoul's lost a lot - Jesse knows he has, but he still won't let Ghoul drown in his hurt. That just makes it worse. Neither of them say anything for a while, and then finally Jesse speaks up, voice soft.

"Ain't expecting you to magically be better, Fun Ghoul. S'not what I said." Jesse says, voice strained from the effort it's taking to even just - be awake, right now. "What I said was what you're doing ain't helping you. You wanna be dead, that - ain't okay with me. I don't want y'dead. There's people who don't. Your boys wouldn't. You can, if you want. I wouldn't stop you, but y'know you'd probably just come back, and then it'd be even worse."

Deep breath. "All I'm sayin', Ghoul? All I'm sayin' is you ain't alone. Don't matter how much you insist y'are. I'm 'round. That means something, motherfucker." You know, since you killed him - the fact that he's trying so hard should say something.

[tooghoulforschool]

Yeah, it means something. It means Jesse's a stupid fuck with no sense of self preservation.

No. No, it means Jesse cares. It means he has a good heart, one full of forgiveness. Forgiving to a fucking fault, this guy. And that scares Ghoul. That's a lot to forgive. Should be too much.

Ghoul could off himself and be done with it, sure, maybe he wouldn't come back. They don't always come back! He wants to argue that point, but he doesn't have the strength anymore. The loneliness... it hurts him so bad. The empty house. Empty rooms. Empty bed. Anna's got her family and he doesn't want to drag her down here with him.

But Jesse's here. He shouldn't be, but he is. The least Fun Ghoul can do is be there for him in return.

He sucks in a sharp breath, desperately trying to hold it together, and he leans on Jesse a little. Just a little. Just enough to let him know he's there and he's gonna be there as long as Jesse needs him.

"Hurt more than I thought it would... seein' you go like that." Again, you stupid, murderous fuck. "Don't know-- ... it's not the face no more. Not that. Don't fuckin' care what you look like, just ..." He likes that you're still here. He likes it when you come around and just talk to him. Yeah, it's friendship. It's real. "Won't do anythin' stupid. Won't pull that shit again, cross my heart."

[rigging]

It's okay to need Jesse back. Jesse doesn't mind - he prefers it. He needs people to need him or he wilts like a sunflower pushed into the shadows. So Ghoul leans on him and Jesse leans back, wrapping his arm around Ghoul's shoulders. Through everything, they'll both be here.

"I dunno, I like seeing my face around. S'nice to look at," Jesse jokes gently, rubbing at Ghoul's arm. He can at least do that much. "... And thanks. S'all I can ask for, yeah?" A beat. "M'sorry you had t'see it again in the - dream. I know... I know how shit that is, I know s'hard to forgive yourself, so I'm - gonna do it for you. Til you can. Alright?"

It's just easier to forgive him than it is to keep letting the hurt dig barbs into his skin.