kore_logs | for my brother, who keeps me sane

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for my brother, who keeps me sane

Who: Raphael and Gabriel
Where: Gabriel's room in House 11
When: Late night Day 77/obscenely early morning Day 78
What: Raphael is basically a stray cat. At least he doesn't scratch up the doors?

It isn't the first time Raphael's appeared in Gabriel's room when no one else is around, and Gabriel expects (hopes) that it'll be far from the last. Even if the relationship is tense to say the least, too many accusations and apologies still waiting to be made, it's hard to stay away now, after so long apart. Especially with Lucifer still missing, it's a comfort to Gabriel to be reassured every now and then that Raphael's still around. And, well, it has been a while since he's been able to just sit and talk with his brother about nothing at all. Perhaps that in itself is a bad idea - they do have a lot of things to discuss that are actually important, after all - but emotions are for puny humans and if they ignore their problems long enough, they'll go away, right? Right. It's always worked in the past. So, until something happens to actually force them to talk about Feelings, Gabriel at least is perfectly happy to pretend nothing's wrong between them. And the best way to do that is, obviously, to continue his mission to find some candy that Raphael actually likes. So, when Raphael does turn up (and Gabriel will deny forever that he's been sitting there and waiting), he's greeted not with any actual words but with the packet of gummy bears Gabriel lobs at his head.

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"Thank you." Raphael was aware that Gabriel probably didn't know that Raphael had truly cared for Castiel, things hadn't always been this difficult. He had truly wanted Castiel to return to Heaven and work with him. He'd been, and still was, unwilling to abandon Michael to the Cage, unwilling - unable - to continue on as they were, he did believe the Apocalypse had to occur, but he had wanted Castiel there with him. He didn't understand how after all his brother had seen, he didn't understand why Raphael was so tired of the suffering.

Gabriel's flopped over him and it's probably awkward, but he didn't mind. It was reminiscent of them hanging on each other when they were younger and it was...almost refreshing. Some of it was his fault, he kept his siblings, save Michael, at a distance and Michael wasn't the most affectionate ever. Even still Raphael slides his hands around, a hand on Gabriel's back, one on his side, supporting him as he leaned against him.

But his comment about Michael makes Raphael falter, and not because it is a criticism of Michael - though he takes at one - but because he knows it's true. Still he breaks eye contact to look away, even if he tilts his head towards Gabriel, almost enough to touch. "It wasn't about me then, Michael had too much do to, too much depending on him, and no one caring of him. I couldn't add to his burdens." Which didn't absolve Michael of overlooking Raphael, he should have paid more attention to him - they should have paid more attention to each other, in some ways, but Raphael knew Michael was no more less tired, less weary of everything, than Raphael was. Looking down the barrel of time, knowing he was going to have to kill Lucifer, and Raphael watching what that had done to Michael...

Though he lets Gabriel tug him, tucks against up against his side. The kiss is surprising, almost shocking really - when was the last time someone kissed him? He wasn't sure he remembered - and it gets a sharp inhale. It is awkward, and actually reminds Raphael of Michael's attempts to provide comfort, though he thinks if he said that Gabriel would like smack him.

"I'm not sure I remember how to relax." It wasn't really true - he was here, after all. But Gabriel wasn't wrong in that Raphael was more comfortable with him. And he doesn't answer the rest, because he doesn't know how to. He didn't think he needed taking care of, and didn't feel comfortable being taken care of, even if he did miss being able to lean on his older brothers. Though he was finding it pleasant to lay against Gabriel, and he wasn't in much of a rush to move.

It's easy for Gabriel to forget that the rest of his brothers care about these things just as much as he does. It's wilful ignorance, really - part of it another attempt to justify his leaving, and part simply that caring, in his experience, hurts. He'd rather think of his siblings as aloof than hurting. It's hard to ignore it now, though, and while he still doesn't acknowledge the extent of Raphael's feelings, he's starting to be a lot more conscious and wary of them.

The problem, from a purely selfish point of view, is that he can't ignore the pain Raphael in particular is in any more. Now that they're here, and now Raphael is letting himself lean on Gabriel a little, it's becoming very painfully evident both that Raphael has been badly hurt, maybe even broken, by everything - and that Gabriel can't do anything about it, not really. If he could, he'd give or do pretty much anything, but as it is it seems all he can do is sit here, and listen, and argue when Raphael says it's all okay. And that isn't nearly enough.

"It should've been about you. Not all, but-- it's been millenia, Raphael. He should've done something. He could've tried." Gabriel's not really one to talk - it wasn't as if he'd done anything to help Raphael, and if Michael had put Raphael's wellbeing second to work, Gabriel had done worse when he'd left - but he's not trying to make suggestions. Even if they can both admit that Michael had done the best he could, Gabriel's objection is not that Michael had screwed up, it's that Raphael had been screwed up, and he doesn't seem to care. He should be angry about that, at least, and seeing him just accept it makes Gabriel furious. "You deserve better, whether you think so or not."

He murmurs a quiet 'sorry', barely out loud, when Raphael inhales. Comforting people isn't his forte. He's better at making them uncomfortable, and while he feels sympathy and compassion more often than he lets on, he's much better at faking platitudes than at expressing anything he means. He shifts so that their positioning is more casual, though no less close, his arm behind Raphael's shoulders and his hand resting lightly at the base of Raphael's neck. His arm isn't long enough to reach all the way to the opposite shoulder, which might make him chuckle another time.

"Lucky for you, we're experts. Me and Balthazar and Anna - we can help, a little. If you want."

The archangels are good at willful ignorance. Gabriel and his brothers' feelings. Michael and God ever returning. Raphael and his own feelings. He's not sure how to respond, to someone who knows him, who won't just let him shrug it off, and he keeps Gabriel's arm slung around him, though he's not entirely sure why it reminds him of sailor dropping anchor to keep from being blown away in a storm, rather than something just pinning him down.

"What could he had done? It was just the two of us, trying to hold everything together. Lucifer wouldn't have helped, even if we could get to him, you didn't want us to find you. God." He snorted, close to open contempt over it. "He stopped caring about us." Driving the archangels to beg and still no return. "The younger ones were afraid, they needed direction. The humans never stop needing everything. What should we have done? Just let everything fall apart because it was hard?" He did just accept it - why shouldn't he? He'd never been the highest priority to anyone, the most beloved, why should that change?

The 'sorry' makes him look over, lean his head back to rest against Gabriel's hand. The kiss had startled him, not upset him, so he didn't understand what the apology was for - so he shifted a bit to keep Gabriel from pulling away.

"Anna looks like she wants to pee herself whenever I come too close." It's why he tended to avoid the common areas of the house, appearing just outside Gabriel's room, when he dropped in. "Balthazar seems to handle being around me better."

"Of course not." Although, perhaps 'of course' isn't so accurate - after all, letting things fall apart because they were too hard is exactly what he did. "Just-- he coulda done something more for you. I'm sure it wouldn't have been the end of the world if he'd taken a little time here and there to, I don't know, talk to you."

He sighs, half frustrated and half just tired. He understands how busy they both must have been, but he can't understand how Michael couldn't have noticed... or worse, if he did notice, how he couldn't have done anything about it.

"Anna's a little twitchy about upstairs. You understand." Although just how well Raphael understands Gabriel doesn't realise yet - won't until the few days they all spend in and out of each other's dreams. "But Balthazar's pretty good at fun too. Wilder than Anna, but at least he never slept with Dean, so that's a point in his favour."

"He did." Eventually. "You disagreed with the solutions we came to." Because by the time Michael had been willing to see his own weariness reflected in Raphael, neither of them had had it them to keep going on anymore more. So they'd arranged to end it.

They've just been too worn by then, Michael clinging to faith in their Father because...Raphael didn't know why. And Raphael would follow Michael anywhere, always had, but he just couldn't anymore, and didn't have it in him to break Michael's heart with his own lack of belief.

"I do understand." More than he was willing to admit to anyone. "It's quite a large point in his favor." And quite a large one against Anna and Castiel - mostly Castiel - though he can't really keep that tone out of his voice, something between a hateful snarl and a betrayed sneer. Not that he really would have been able to explain all the reasons for the emotion, he didn't understand it himself.

"If you mean ending the world, I think that's a bit of an overreaction." To say the least. He can understand just wanting it all to be over, but he doesn't want that enough to decimate the human race... or to let either Michael or Lucifer die. "And I don't think it would've helped much."

After all, a Michael broken by being 'forced' to kill Lucifer would be even worse for Raphael to have to deal with than the usual Michael.

"He'll be glad to hear it. Let's hope he doesn't just jump on the bandwagon, huh? Or the band-Winchester." Of course he can't miss the tone. He doesn't share it, though. He may dislike Dean, sort of, though the grudging respect sometimes gets in the way of that, but if Cas and Anna wanna get in on that action, then fine, it's their choice. Dean may want him dead, but he's a decent person and he won't hurt Castiel or Anna without good reason. Also, he's kind of hot. (Objectively.) It's understandable.

"Everything ends." It somewhat was an over reaction. Burn the building down because Michael and Raphael were over whelmed with the maintenance - but they hadn't known what else to do. "Yes it would have. Some things."

Raphael was under no delusions that Michael would have broken after killing Lucifer, even if Michael thought he could handle it. But better something swift than something this slow.

"Let us hope." He doesn't recognize that some of what he's feeling is jealousy. Dean helped rip Michael away from him, and he hates him for that. But he doesn't understand the other feelings, doesn't realize how jealous he is of Dean's place in Castiel's life. More so, because he's not interested in anything carnal with Castiel. That Anna also flocked to the elder Winchester, that just added to the burn.

"Eventually."

But not yet, he hopes. He likes humans, despite all the mess they make and all the awful things they do to each other - he really does want to see what they'll do next. There's always more than enough good in them to balance out the bad, even when it doesn't look that way, even when he has to try to weed out the bad himself, and he truly believes that there will come a time when that good will overcome the bad completely. Of course, saying it sounds corny, so he tries not to.

"Some, maybe, but not enough to make up for all it'd destroy. And if Michael would just quit hanging off Dad's every last word in the hopes that it'd get Him to come back, those things might've gotten solved without having to torch half the planet."

He understands the jealousy well enough. It's not so much a factor in his relationship with Dean, but some of the people here... well, now that he has his family back together, he doesn't like having to share them. It's not that he's clingy, exactly, he won't let himself be, but he wants to be, despite everything he's done before. He'd be happy enough now, he thinks, or at least content, staying locked up in House 11 forever and slowly but surely building up a collection of angels until they had almost all of Heaven back together. That he isn't enough for them, when they are all he wants, stings a little. It's completely irrational, of course, and he has non-angel friends of his own, but it's made him rather snippy with his siblings' friends. Part of that is protectiveness, especially when it comes to Meg (whom he still doesn't trust), but a lot of it is jealousy.

"I think he's got more common sense than that."

"Eventually. But there's a difference between ending and letting something suffering and let that end drag out, ignoring those who are in pain and suffering because it's hard to cause them harm." Despite what most apparently thought, Raphael actually loved humanity - he just didn't like them. Or more correctly, he was profoundly disappointed in them. And he was aware their plan would result in the death of humanity. He'd make it quick, as painless as he could. It was better than the lives most of them lived.

"That's what's really going to do it, you know. Killing Lucifer is going to hurt him. But when he realizes God isn't ever coming back? That He doesn't care about us anymore? That's what's going to destroy him." Raphael had convinced himself God - not Dad, but God, some distant Father he still loved but also hated - was dead, and realizing He was never coming back, took 'not His concern' to mean that He didn't care about them or what they did...it had been a crushing blow. And then Michael...that, not Michael's neglect, had been what had broken Raphael. Raphael couldn't imagine what it would do to Michael.

"Does he? Good." Raphael didn't. Sure, he'd felt jealousy between the four of them, but it was fleeting and quiet. One of them had always been there, after all. This? This was so much stronger that he didn't recognize it as the same thing at all. And he didn't know how to handle it, or what do to. But it drove him to hate Meg more than he already hated demons in general, and Dean...he just wanted to hurt.

"If they want it to end, then fine. Let it end for them. But not for everyone else." It's one of the few things he won't just make concessions about. Usually even if he feels strongly about something he won't risk fighting with his siblings about it, but this is an exception. He doesn't want to argue though, and there's a weariness and finality in his tone that makes that clear.

"I know." There's not much else he can say, really. He'd like to think that Michael could be talked around, made to realise slowly that their Father was gone for good, so that he could get used to the idea without it breaking him completely. He's not convincing himself, though. Perhaps if Michael hadn't built so much of his life around God, around trying to please him and bring him back, it wouldn't be so hard. If there were someone or something else that could help fill the gap - but not even Raphael and Lucifer could come close. "Guess Dad's kind of a dick, isn't He? He must realise what He's doing to Michael - what He's done. It isn't fair."

He may think God was right about the humans. About the angels, too - he believes, as much as he loves his family, that they are broken and flawed. He can see why God would prefer the humans to them, and he accepts that - going back to the 'toys' analogy he'd used with Lucifer, he understands that of course God would prefer the shiny new toys instead of the old ones. It's like the difference between The Sims 3 and playing make believe with toy soldiers. But he doesn't think he went about it the right way. He'd treated them exactly as if they were toys, and forgotten to take into account (or just outright ignored) that they were sentient. Even if it had just been a test, God had changed the rules on them unexpectedly and they hadn't been able to adjust. He could've at least come back and told them they'd failed instead of letting them keep going indefinitely under the delusion that he would come back if they could just be good enough. That was what had really broken them, not any inherent flaw, and Gabriel can't forgive him for what it had done to those who were the worst affected.

"Well, most of the time. I think he's smarter than that, at least."

"Do you think I haven't heard them? How many who just want peace? Who plead for it?" His actions weren't motivated by cruelty, after all. And some of it may be selective hearing, but Raphael knew how much suffering there was, and he knew he couldn't fix it all. That knowledge just left him feeling worse.

Raphael couldn't come close to filling the void Lucifer had left, much less being able to fill the void God had left behind. He had tried, as much as he could, but he knew it wasn't possible. He watches Gabriel for a moment, then shifts a bit, keeping tucked against Gabriel but twisting so he's not looking at him. "Do you think He cares what this has cost Michael?" All of them.

Because Raphael didn't. Once he had, and once he'd joined his brothers in wailing in grief and crying for their Father to return. But as time had marched on, as things in Heaven had grown more bleak, as humanity had proven themselves to be disappointment after bitter disappointment, he'd stopped believing that. Stopped trying to reconcile a loving Father with one who had just abandoned them when they still needed Him. And with that, he'd grown bitter, and fanatical in his loyalty to Michael. And archangels could carry grudges like no ones' business. This wasn't a matter of if he could forgive God for abandoning him, but a question of if he could forgive the grief caused his most beloved brother.

The answer was no. It would have been easy to forgive Lucifer for what he'd done.

"I hope so. You know him better than I." Which said a lot.

"So it sucks to be them - boo friggin' hoo. They have my sympathies, they do, but they're not dragging the rest of the world down just cause they want peace." It wasn't that he didn't understand, of course it wasn't. All four archangels were tired of it all, including him, and honestly? If it had been just them concerned, he'd have been content to just let everything end. But that wouldn't have been fair, and justice was one of the few values Gabriel still cared about.

As for the question - well, he could understand Raphael looking away. He tipped his head back to rest against the wall, staring up at the ceiling. At Heaven, ostensibly, but certainly not with anything resembling optimism - a wan smile, not that Raphael could see it, and a touch of wry amusement. Nothing more.

"I imagine He tries not to think about it."

He wasn't exactly thrilled with their Father either. He understood though, more than Raphael did - or at least he thought he did. He could understand wanting to leave, but then, he couldn't change things no matter how he tried. God could have. Free will was important to him as a general concept, but he couldn't understand why God wouldn't have just made everything okay. That was what fathers were for, wasn't it? And just once wouldn't have mattered - call it wiping the slate clean and starting over, able to avoid the mistakes. Surely if God had cared about them at all he would've done that instead of just leaving them adrift.

But that was the thing, at least as far as Gabriel was concerned. God didn't care about them. He'd got bored, disappointed, distracted by the humans. They were better than the angels, after all - much as he loved his family, Gabriel understood that, and he understood why God would be eager to abandon them for something better. He couldn't fault him for that. What he didn't understand was why he'd let them keep believing he'd come back. The only explanations were that it was an excruciatingly long, needlessly cruel test, which Gabriel couldn't believe, not after such a long time and so much pain, or that it was just casual disregard. He thought he might even prefer the thought that their Father had acted out of malice to that - but unpleasant though it was, he was certain that it was the truth. Their Father simply hadn't cared about the consequences his actions would have for the angels, and that hurt more than anything else.

It had hurt for a long time, though. Long enough that now, he could think about it with just a humourless smile and a dull ache, and brush it off or at least just carry on through it - not like the overwhelming devastation that had originally come with that particular realisation.

"You know what they say - birds of a feather. Kid's a real chip off the old block. And that's without my input - don't worry, before you know it he'll be a regular Gabriel 2.0." As if that was reason not to worry. "Just need to work on his eating habits. He likes vegetables too much to be normal."

"Even if it's the majority who do? How is that fair to them?" He wasn't trying to be argumentative - he knew justice was something important to Gabriel. He was trying to understand how his brother, how their Father could do nothing. Because he'd tried and he just couldn't. "They have so much of their lives that is marked with suffering. With pain. How is simply...leaving them there just?" Raphael just saw it was cruelty. And well. If Gabriel was willing to be the caretaker, to be the one who managed things for a while, then Raphael was going to let him. Because he needed answers, needed to understand and Michael hadn't had answers either.

He can feel Gabriel move, twists his head to see where he is looking. "I don't think He has to try." It's harsh, bitter, betrayed. They loved their Father. Why wasn't that enough? Why weren't they good enough for Him? He had made them like this - and it echoes back with what Lucifer had said to Michael. About this being a test, about God having made Lucifer to be who and what he was, about just walking away. Gabriel had, and had died for it. Lucifer had and what had happened to him had been crueler than death. Michael had been most loyal and he'd been horribly, horribly betrayed. What did that mean for any of them? He didn't know what to do anymore.

Raphael would have argued that the humans weren't better, not even equal, to the angels, but ultimately, that wasn't the point right now. Right now, as far as Raphael was concerned, God Himself didn't matter. In abandoning Heaven and the Host, He had abandoned His place, abdicated His Throne, and someone, someone needed to be there to step up. Once Raphael had entertained the idea of the archangels stepping up together but now...now he just couldn't imagine what it would take for that to occur.

"I'd rather not need to worry about the two of you getting into a prank war, if it's all the same to you." Or the lighthouse would end up spraying multicolored bubbles or something. He'd long given up on predicting Gabriel.

Edited 2013-08-31 00:54 (UTC)

"If they want out so bad they can do it themselves. But I'm not giving up on the humans until there's nothing there worth saving at all." Of course, if the discussion were to get into the area of serious argument, Gabriel would give in immediately. His principles, especially on the topic of mankind, might be important to him, even worth dying for - but in a situation where the human race isn't endangered by his not defending them, it's not worth risking the precarious peace with his family. Less so than usual, now that Raphael is here with him, close enough to pretend nothing had ever gone wrong... well, almost.

Gabriel's eyes are closed, his head resting against the wall - more an indication of hopelessness and fatigue than of prayer. He feels Raphael move, of course, but doesn't bother adjusting his expression to something more 'appropriate'. It's hardly news that he has no faith in their Father, at least not as far as the angels' fate is concerned. If Raphael wants to judge him for that, so be it, but somehow he hardly thinks he will.

"Maybe not." Certainly not, as far as Gabriel is concerned, but he doesn't like admitting it. It's not an easy thing to admit to - he can cope with most of the people he cares about wanting him dead, or at least not caring if he were to die, but God at least should have loved them all. Or at least those who'd sacrificed everything to stay loyal to him. Even if he couldn't have loved his children unconditionally, he should've at least loved those who'd deserved it - he shouldn't have abandoned Michael and Raphael, even if Raphael hadn't been motivated by love of their Father in a long time. "But hey. Who needs Him, right?" It's hollow- he knows they need God back, that they needed him back a long time ago, but at least he knows that they can survive knowing he doesn't care. If they have to.

"Don't worry, I'd win." It would end up spraying multicoloured bubbles and foam. And disco lights. And silly string. And--- well, best to leave it there, really. But it might well be solely Gabriel's doing - he doubts Balthazar would dare bring Raphael into it. "He ain't got nothing on me. 'Sides, the kid knows his place. I'm The Trickster, not him."

"That's so cruel Gabriel." He wasn't accusing Gabriel of being cruel, just the entire mess. He hated it. People did, on occasion, need to suffer - that was part of justice, he understood that. But cruelty for the sake of it...that's all he saw in this.

Zachariah's utter lack of faith in God had given him a point of solidarity, one he'd never been able to express, for fear of Michael finding out. But the look on Gabriel's face, the tone in his voice. It's so close to what Raphael has felt, and from one of the brothers he was once close too. This time it's Raphael who's moving, a hand on Gabriel's shoulder, leaning across him to rest there foreheads together. "We don't. We can take care of each other." It's blasphemy, he knows it, and he doesn't care. Gabriel's probably the last angel to object. And he just rests there for a moment, before settling back against his brother's side.

"I think he'd use it as an excuse to wind you up so he could learn to tricks, honestly." Never let it be said Raphael didn't understand what little brothers would do to learn from their older brothers. Or to gain their attention or affection.

"Maybe." Whether Gabriel agrees or not after all, it's not as if cruelty is something he shies away from. He considers it one of his particular skills, in fact.

He opens his eyes and smiles, more genuine by far, as Raphael moves. He's come to terms with his conflicting feelings for their Father, and he's much less interested in dwelling on that than in doing everything he can to fix his relationship with his brothers. That Raphael might feel the same way isn't news to him any more, but it always surprises him anyway.

"I hope so." His hopes aren't too high, though. Any one of them could disappear indefinitely at any moment, and there's nothing they could do about it. Still, that doesn't mean he won't try. "In any case, we can do a better job than He does these days."

The idea of Balthazar trying to wind him up, though, makes him chuckle. It's a rather more cheerful subject, even if it's still a tad bittersweet.

"He's a lot more mature than I ever was. I don't think you'd see him tackling people to the ground or throwing tantrums or ... well, any of the things I used to do for attention." But then, Balthazar is older than he had been when he'd been pestering Lucifer for attention. Maybe at a comparable developmental stage he might have been a lot more similar. "Not least cause I've got a lot less patience than you three did. If he tried to wind me up he'd end up as a frog for the next week."

Raphael knows he be terrifying, horrifically cruel when the situation calls for it. Occasionally, he even enjoys it, especially if the object of his wrath has earned it. And he certainly took pride in doing his job and doing it well.

He echoes the smile, though it's dim compared to Gabriel's. It's not less sincere, but in some ways, Raphael has always burned less bright, more suited to reflecting others. And even if he doesn't mention it, even if he doesn't understand why, he's still deeply morning Lucifer, so that any of them could vanish is never too far from his mind. "We always did do best when we were taking care of each other."

Hopefully Gabriel doesn't mind Raphael settling so heavily against him, because he's not inclined to move. "I'm not so sure about that. He just acts out in different ways." Worst ways in some - stealing weapons and running off and all - but different. "I think it was you who taught me to have patience, actually."

"Shame it didn't really last." He says it casually, though. It's an observation, nothing more, nothing he really wants to go into. "Maybe it will here."

Even if they are constantly under the threat of the scientists. There's still a lot they can do to look after each other - hopefully it won't be necessary, but given all that's happened, he wouldn't bet on that. In a somewhat twisted way, he looks forward to it. Getting to look after or be looked after by his siblings again, so long as there's no real danger, would be... pleasant, almost.

He welcomes Raphael's weight against him. It's comforting, a solid reminder of Raphael's presence - especially with Lucifer gone, that's important to Gabriel. "I heard he left too." Beyond that, he's not so sure of the details. "Dealing with me, I guess you needed it. I must've been awful."

He still is awful, but that's not the point.

"I'd like it to." He wasn't sure if that was a idle thought or a plan - for once he was lost as to long term planning.

It had been a while, a long while, since Raphael had given himself this - just quiet, mostly warm, mostly causal, time with Gabriel. With Michael it had been different every since Lucifer had Fallen, though he had tried. And while he was uncomfortable leaning on Gabriel , he told himself Gabriel needed it just as much, and that seemed to ease it. "He did. Until I saw him here, I had thought he was dead." So he was relieved, almost, to find him alive.

"You were, sometimes." It was almost an understatement really. But he hadn't been awful all the time, or Raphael didn't think so, at least.

"Me too."

Though it goes without saying, really. After all, despite everything he's done in his attempts to distance himself from his family, he's weak. He can't stay away when they're all here, and it's so easy and so tempting to fall back into the old habits. Maybe the younger angels don't know that, but the archangels know him far better than that - he doubts they could have not noticed.

"Not just yet." An edge of bitterness to it, but not more than that. He doesn't know enough about the circumstances, and since it hasn't happened to Balthazar yet, it's even easier to just pretend it never will.

"More than sometimes." Amused, he makes a little sound that's almost a laugh. It's not self-deprecation, exactly - he considers his terrible behaviour practically a point of pride. "But if you want to remember me as a little ball of sunshine who never did anything you might wanna take revenge for... well, that's fine by me."

Being weak is something they share, it's why he's so attached to Michael, why he's so willing to let go of the anger and hurt he feels over Gabriel leaving - and HELPING - the Winchesters. Just let it go, focus on something else, pretend everything is ok. He knows Gabriel is having a more and more difficult time separating himself - look at this house - but Raphael is too and he knows Gabriel must have noticed.

"No, not just yet." He didn't yet know Balthazar would, didn't know a lot about what had happened - he hadn't asked, again, willing to let it go and deal later. He didn't want the war that was coming and didn't want to drag it here - it was the last thing he wanted.

"Hardly a ball of sunshine, but not much reason to seek revenge." He didn't say "no reason" but...it wasn't angry or even scheming. Just warm, easy.

For Gabriel's part, he's more than willing to pretend everything's okay. He'd even tried with Lucifer, though that hadn't worked out quite so well - well enough, of course, but he couldn't have seen them sitting here throwing gummy bears at each other. It may not be the healthiest option, just sweeping everything under the carpet, but since when do the angels do healthy coping mechanisms anyway?

"Not much, huh?" If he thought Raphael would actually maim him, he wouldn't pick him up on it, but since he's fairly sure any revenge he takes will be relatively harmless, he's not worried about teasing. "I guess I can take down some of those sigils, then, and get rid of the hexbags."

It's not the healthiest, but Raphael passed 'healthy coping' long ago. Right now, and for much longer, he desperately needs a break - and even if this is a completely different type of stress, it's not the crushing weight of home. He's got a lot hanging on him, even still, but there's nothing he can do about it from here, and he's clinging to the comfort offered.

"No, not too much." Raphael's not even likely to harm him much - he's creative and Gabriel's crafty. It's almost fun to test it against his little brother in a friendly way, instead of battle. "Maybe we should keep the hex bags. Wait until Balthazar manages to get somewhat intoxicated, slip them into our pockets and watch him try to figure out why he can't sense us while we in the same room."

"Do you think? It could take a lot of liquor."

It's a tempting idea - ganging up with Raphael. Like the good old days, though without the elements of militarism and dictatorship that had driven him away from Heaven. It might come at Balthazar's expense, and come to that, at the expense of almost everyone they know, but it still sounds worth it.

"It does sound fun, though. He couldn't be pissed at us, after all... or at least he can't act on it. Oh--" a smirk spreads across his face, sharklike and a little evil and not very good news for Balthazar, "we could sigil his room while he's in there. Keep him from leaving."

"It would...we could charm his glass to not empty though."

It was very tempting. Raphael might have gotten annoyed at Gabriel's neigh-constant lack of taking anything seriously but occasionally it came in handy. Like now. Bored archangels are dangerous after all, and this might spread to the general Host that was present, then to well. Everyone on the cape. But it was (mostly) harmless and would hopefully prevent something from blowing up.

Besides, he really had missed Gabriel.

"He has a sense of humor anyway. And isn't as...frightened of me as Anna is. Castiel would take it badly. Which leaves him." Lucky little brother, willing to put up with them. Raphael caught the look, a slow grin spreading that almost mirrored Gabriel's. "We could. Or we could make a maze of it, so we could walk in and out, and he couldn't, without knowing why."

for my brother, who keeps me sane

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