kore_logs | for my brother, who keeps me sane

Entry tags:

for my brother, who keeps me sane

Who: Raphael and Gabriel
Where: Gabriel's room in House 11
When: Late night Day 77/obscenely early morning Day 78
What: Raphael is basically a stray cat. At least he doesn't scratch up the doors?

It isn't the first time Raphael's appeared in Gabriel's room when no one else is around, and Gabriel expects (hopes) that it'll be far from the last. Even if the relationship is tense to say the least, too many accusations and apologies still waiting to be made, it's hard to stay away now, after so long apart. Especially with Lucifer still missing, it's a comfort to Gabriel to be reassured every now and then that Raphael's still around. And, well, it has been a while since he's been able to just sit and talk with his brother about nothing at all. Perhaps that in itself is a bad idea - they do have a lot of things to discuss that are actually important, after all - but emotions are for puny humans and if they ignore their problems long enough, they'll go away, right? Right. It's always worked in the past. So, until something happens to actually force them to talk about Feelings, Gabriel at least is perfectly happy to pretend nothing's wrong between them. And the best way to do that is, obviously, to continue his mission to find some candy that Raphael actually likes. So, when Raphael does turn up (and Gabriel will deny forever that he's been sitting there and waiting), he's greeted not with any actual words but with the packet of gummy bears Gabriel lobs at his head.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"What can I say, kid doesn't like authority figures." Otherwise he's pretty sure Castiel would be just as stubborn about listening to him as to Raphael. "Can't say I blame him - in general, anyway. If somehow he manages to stir up any trouble here, I'll see what I can do. Gotta say, though I'm hoping he'll avoid the usual shitstorms the Winchesters and Co. manage to bring down on themselves and everyone else. If he does, Balthazar and Dean oughtta be able to talk him down - and I think I'd rather leave it to them."

Which comes as no surprise at all - Gabriel wanting to shirk responsibility isn't exactly front-page news.

"The kid is an authority figure and it's damn well time he thought about that!" It's snapped, and not entirely about Castiel either. Some of it was, certainly. Some of it was the panic that Raphael felt, realizing that he and he alone was the last adult-figure left for the angels and the responsibility he felt for them, the burden (as much as he loved them) that they - and the rest of creation - were. He couldn't do this with Michael, he can't do it alone. "But no, let's just go in, take the entire host and throw them into chaos and anarchy and call me the bad guy for trying to stop him."

And in no surprise at all - Raphael is taking on far far too much.

"I don't have the option of holing myself away from my duties, Gabriel." And yet, right now, that's what he's doing. Sticking close to Gabriel, ignoring the town, ignoring the humans trapped inside, and their captors outside it, throwing candy at his little brother.

And that's around the moment when Gabriel realises just how personal a subject this is for Raphael. He shuts up for a moment, reconsidering his approach. It's all very well seeing Castiel's side of this, but Raphael doesn't need someone playing Devil's Advocate. As far as Gabriel can tell, it seems more like he just needs some support. Since Michael's been in the Cage, Gabriel imagines Raphael's not had a lot of that.

"His intentions may be good, but he's an idiot. And he's wrong about you."

That much, at least, he completely means. Gabriel's reluctant to pigeonhole even Lucifer as the 'bad guy', and if he doesn't deserve the title then Raphael certainly doesn't. Perhaps that's harder for the other angels to understand, especially Castiel, but in Gabriel's opinion that's no excuse.

"And - look, judge if you like, but yes you do. Even back home you could've. I mean-- there would've been consequences, but you could've done it. You wouldn't, I know, but... here? Well, what duties do you even have? There's no Heaven to run and there's no Apocalypse to deal with. We can't protect the others from whoever brought us here and so far we couldn't leave if we wanted to, so. Why not hole away? Speaking from experience, it's not so bad."

That's just Gabriel being selfish, though. There are things they could be doing, escape attempts they could be planning and if they tried, no doubt they could find something helpful to do. He'd rather be here, though - not just right here right now, sitting on his bed and joking with Raphael, but also here in Cape Kore. He's certainly better off here than he was at home, after all. He doesn't particularly want to leave - and he doesn't want his family to leave either, even if they do want to, and (though he doesn't like to think about it) even if they are under constant threat of experimentation and probably torture for as long as they're there.

It's very personal. More than Gabriel knew, more than Raphael actually knew how to say. Castiel may have years between them, but Raphael doesn't. He offered Castiel mercy, and had it spit back in his face. "He's wrong about a lot of things, but he's convinced his way is the only way."

He doesn't sigh, just pulls inward slightly, even while leaning back. He doesn't voice it, very probably couldn't, but leans nonetheless onto Gabriel. There's guilt to it, because he shouldn't be leaning on someone younger, but there's no one older to seek out. "No, I can't. I can't-" He drops his head to his chest, but he's still leaning (somewhat heavily) against Gabriel. Because little brother isn't wrong, he needs support. "I can't forget about Michael, Gabriel. I can't abandon him like everyone else has. I can't betray him like that. He actually thinks God is going to come back." Raphael hadn't believed that, in longer than anyone knew, but he'd never voiced it to Michael. "What do you think I should do, just let him break?"

He couldn't. Even if, deep down, he knew if Michael ever learned of his own lack of faith in God, it would mean his death, or worse. Even if he knew, had always known, that God and Lucifer would always, always come far ahead of Raphael. Even if, he knew, he was far from first to any of the Host, even the other archangels. He just couldn't abandon them.

"There's us. We have one Castiel who is all but human, another who is...I don't even know what to do with him. Anna is hiding from everyone, that cover isn't going to be easy to keep up. Balthazar is floundering. Chuck. I - we -" because he is including Gabriel here, "- can't protect them from everything but we do some things."

Edited 2013-08-07 23:28 (UTC)

"Sounds like some other people I know."

Not a criticism, per se. Just a gentle reminder. Despite everything, the only person he can really bring himself to rail against unfairly is God, and he doesn't even entirely mean that. He turns, careful not to displace Raphael's weight - as the Messenger and a god, he's well aware of symbolism, and even if Raphael doesn't consciously mean anything by leaning on Gabriel, he doesn't want to let him down literally. He's pretty damn worried right now that he already has figuratively, and is about to do it again, so he has to hold onto that at the least. And also (literally again) to Raphael. He's not great at comfort - none of them are, really - but he can at least try, and shifting around to take hold of his shoulders and get some proper face-to-face eye contact seems like a good start.

"Michael isn't here." He's at home, stuck in the Cage with Lucifer. Which is partly Gabriel's fault, he knows, and it isn't what he wants for either of them, but seeing it have this effect on Raphael is worse. "Even if he was, it's not on you to make sure his own stupid expectations don't get him hurt. Not when it's at your own expense."

Raphael's situation is nothing like his own was, he knows that. That makes this easier, really. Otherwise this would end up with him trying to justify himself again, and he knows he can't really do that - at least not in any way that'll satisfy his family. Raphael, though, is in a lot deeper than Gabriel ever was. He knows Raphael was affected by dealing with Michael and running Heaven for so long, but he never realised how badly. Or, in fact, that Raphael's own wellbeing is so low on his list of priorities. Gabriel's not sure there's even anything he can do to change that - but it's worth trying, even if it only leads to more fighting in the end.

"The others-- well, we can take care of ourselves, and of each other. At least well enough to get by. You don't have to play mother hen for us, Raph, or for anyone. If any of 'em need it, they can find someone else." He knows it's not really anyone's fault - at least not any of their siblings who're here. It's easy to overlook someone's problems, especially when they've put themselves firmly in the role of caretaker. But it makes him irrationally angry that everyone has overlooked Raphael for so long, including himself. "Quit worrying about other people and worry about yourself for once, alright?"

"I don't speak of free will and finding our own way, then kill those who disagree with what I want them to do. I raise my sword only as an utter last resort. I was watching Chuck, remember? I didn't come after you. I didn't kill Joshua after he pulled Dean and Sam away from Zachariah. I didn't try to hunt Anna down with the intent to kill her, no one was even sent to look until the demons tried to get a hold of her." Uriel had wanted her dead, but Anna had caused that...in a large part because of him, but he hadn't wanted to kill her. But he didn't, totally, squash the will of the angels - he just curbed it, controlled it, but he didn't kill over it. Castiel hadn't given that - 'And let it be known -- you're either with Raphael or you're with me.' And anyone not with him, he'd declared war on. Anyone who didn't fall in line with him, while stating he wanted free will.

Raphael doesn't move much as Gabriel does, but he takes more comfort than he thinks he should in Gabriel's turning them about and holding onto him. "I want him here." It's quiet, admitted with his eyes lightly closed, then opens them again. "He needs me to Gabriel. You don't know what he's become, how he's changed." And Raphael actually wasn't angry at Gabriel for that. Michael and Gabriel had both loved Lucifer more than the other archangels, Raphael had loved Michael most and Lucifer second - he was hurt, of course, but he wasn't morning he most beloved. He could watch Michael more closely because of it.

"He doesn't want the Apocalypse, he needs it, and no matter how it ends, it's going to destroy him. Shouldn't someone look after him?" Someone should - in Raphael's mind, their long absence Father needed to. But He'd made it clear that He refused, and Michael deserved better. They all deserved better, really.

"You all are terrible at taking care of yourselves." Or Castiel, Balthazar, and Chuck were, anyway, and Gabriel not much better. "I need to- I can't just-" This time he does huff out a breath. God had abandoned them to whatever fell their way. Angels and humans alike. Raphael couldn't be like that.

"I know." He sighs. He'd meant Michael really, more than Raphael, but in any case he doesn't want to argue about it. He doesn't want to argue at all, but the only thing he's unwilling to compromise on here is Raphael learning to prioritise himself for once. It's the only thing he's really willing to argue about.

"Right now I don't give a shit what he needs." That sounds harsher than he means it to - he winces, but doesn't stop. "I don't care if he's turned into Darth freakin' Vader - he's still not my priority, here and now. You are."

It's less of an issue since Michael's not here, of course. There shouldn't be too much of a conflict of interest - with Michael out of the picture, Gabriel's hoping Raphael might be able to put himself... well, probably still not first. But at least one name higher on the list.

"Look, I get it. I get where you're coming from. But Michael's not here, so how about we leave worrying about him for when he's actually around, alright? And the rest of us may not be totally competent, but we're coping. Maybe not perfectly, but well enough that we can take care of ourselves and you without breaking down completely. Even if you can't trust them with it, you can trust me." Or, actually -- he grimaces. "Well, maybe you can't always, but you can with this, okay? I've taken care of myself for more than a thousand years now, Raph. I think I can handle keeping a handful of angels intact."

"Then try explaining it to him, because I cannot." He leans forward a little - not aware of it, but leaning into were Gabriel is holding. And Raphael's not giving an order, he's turning to Gabriel, who is better at words, who is supposed to be able to explain things, because it's one of the places were Raphael just isn't as good. Perhaps he would have been better at it without Gabriel being part of the Four, but Michael and Lucifer had been able to read Raphael well once, and once Gabriel came around Raphael had leaned on him there. He hadn't needed to become as proficient, he had his brother.

"He took care of us Gabriel. Most than anyone else. I can't forget that." And he knew that wasn't what Gabriel meant, but he also couldn't stop feeling that stress.

But he does at least listen to Gabriel and what he's saying. He needs it to be said, that they aren't completely incompetent, that they are handling things. "I don't know what else to do." This - taking care of the Host, running everything, had been everything for so long, he didn't know what else to do. He wasn't in control here, and was spinning out because of it.

"I'll try." He can't guarantee any results, but he will try, the next time he gets an opportunity. He may have given up on his siblings ever getting along, but that doesn't mean he won't try now that he has the chance to. "I don't know if he'll ever really understand, but I'll try."

He shifts again, moving his grip to lower down Raphael's arms. He's pretty much leaning diagonally across Raphael's body now - it'd probably be uncomfortable if they were human - but it does make his attempts to hold eye contact a little easier. That is a little uncomfortable for him, though not physically, but the way this discussion is going is putting that out of his mind very quickly. He's not getting any less worried about Raphael.

"Doesn't sound like he's been taking such good care of you." And he doesn't want to criticise Michael, he really doesn't. Especially not to Raphael. But Michael's intentions and his reasons and the fact that it's kind of understandable - none of that matters. This isn't an issue of guilt or blame, it's an issue of trying to at least do something to make Raphael a little less broken. "Not emotionally, anyway."

That's not Heaven's 'thing', he knows that. But that doesn't matter either. He exhales slowly and sits up straight again, tugging Raphael down into a half-hug against his side, and presses a soft kiss to his temple. It doesn't feel entirely natural to him and that probably comes across, but it's the equivalent of what the other archangels used to do for him, and it's what any other brother would do. It feels odd being the responible one, he's not used to it, but the whole point of this is showing Raphael that he can be, and he can deal with a little awkwardness for the sake of that.

"Try relaxing a little, for a start. And either quit worrying or talk about it to one of us, alright? You don't have to be all stoic now. At least not with me." Ah. That's the selfishness coming through again, but he doesn't think it's misguided to assume he's probably the one Raphael's most comfortable with. At least, he hopes it's not. "I'm not saying run off and become a hippy or anything. I've got that covered. But... y'know. Let us try and take care of you a little for a change, okay? I promise we won't fuck up too badly."

"Thank you." Raphael was aware that Gabriel probably didn't know that Raphael had truly cared for Castiel, things hadn't always been this difficult. He had truly wanted Castiel to return to Heaven and work with him. He'd been, and still was, unwilling to abandon Michael to the Cage, unwilling - unable - to continue on as they were, he did believe the Apocalypse had to occur, but he had wanted Castiel there with him. He didn't understand how after all his brother had seen, he didn't understand why Raphael was so tired of the suffering.

Gabriel's flopped over him and it's probably awkward, but he didn't mind. It was reminiscent of them hanging on each other when they were younger and it was...almost refreshing. Some of it was his fault, he kept his siblings, save Michael, at a distance and Michael wasn't the most affectionate ever. Even still Raphael slides his hands around, a hand on Gabriel's back, one on his side, supporting him as he leaned against him.

But his comment about Michael makes Raphael falter, and not because it is a criticism of Michael - though he takes at one - but because he knows it's true. Still he breaks eye contact to look away, even if he tilts his head towards Gabriel, almost enough to touch. "It wasn't about me then, Michael had too much do to, too much depending on him, and no one caring of him. I couldn't add to his burdens." Which didn't absolve Michael of overlooking Raphael, he should have paid more attention to him - they should have paid more attention to each other, in some ways, but Raphael knew Michael was no more less tired, less weary of everything, than Raphael was. Looking down the barrel of time, knowing he was going to have to kill Lucifer, and Raphael watching what that had done to Michael...

Though he lets Gabriel tug him, tucks against up against his side. The kiss is surprising, almost shocking really - when was the last time someone kissed him? He wasn't sure he remembered - and it gets a sharp inhale. It is awkward, and actually reminds Raphael of Michael's attempts to provide comfort, though he thinks if he said that Gabriel would like smack him.

"I'm not sure I remember how to relax." It wasn't really true - he was here, after all. But Gabriel wasn't wrong in that Raphael was more comfortable with him. And he doesn't answer the rest, because he doesn't know how to. He didn't think he needed taking care of, and didn't feel comfortable being taken care of, even if he did miss being able to lean on his older brothers. Though he was finding it pleasant to lay against Gabriel, and he wasn't in much of a rush to move.

It's easy for Gabriel to forget that the rest of his brothers care about these things just as much as he does. It's wilful ignorance, really - part of it another attempt to justify his leaving, and part simply that caring, in his experience, hurts. He'd rather think of his siblings as aloof than hurting. It's hard to ignore it now, though, and while he still doesn't acknowledge the extent of Raphael's feelings, he's starting to be a lot more conscious and wary of them.

The problem, from a purely selfish point of view, is that he can't ignore the pain Raphael in particular is in any more. Now that they're here, and now Raphael is letting himself lean on Gabriel a little, it's becoming very painfully evident both that Raphael has been badly hurt, maybe even broken, by everything - and that Gabriel can't do anything about it, not really. If he could, he'd give or do pretty much anything, but as it is it seems all he can do is sit here, and listen, and argue when Raphael says it's all okay. And that isn't nearly enough.

"It should've been about you. Not all, but-- it's been millenia, Raphael. He should've done something. He could've tried." Gabriel's not really one to talk - it wasn't as if he'd done anything to help Raphael, and if Michael had put Raphael's wellbeing second to work, Gabriel had done worse when he'd left - but he's not trying to make suggestions. Even if they can both admit that Michael had done the best he could, Gabriel's objection is not that Michael had screwed up, it's that Raphael had been screwed up, and he doesn't seem to care. He should be angry about that, at least, and seeing him just accept it makes Gabriel furious. "You deserve better, whether you think so or not."

He murmurs a quiet 'sorry', barely out loud, when Raphael inhales. Comforting people isn't his forte. He's better at making them uncomfortable, and while he feels sympathy and compassion more often than he lets on, he's much better at faking platitudes than at expressing anything he means. He shifts so that their positioning is more casual, though no less close, his arm behind Raphael's shoulders and his hand resting lightly at the base of Raphael's neck. His arm isn't long enough to reach all the way to the opposite shoulder, which might make him chuckle another time.

"Lucky for you, we're experts. Me and Balthazar and Anna - we can help, a little. If you want."

The archangels are good at willful ignorance. Gabriel and his brothers' feelings. Michael and God ever returning. Raphael and his own feelings. He's not sure how to respond, to someone who knows him, who won't just let him shrug it off, and he keeps Gabriel's arm slung around him, though he's not entirely sure why it reminds him of sailor dropping anchor to keep from being blown away in a storm, rather than something just pinning him down.

"What could he had done? It was just the two of us, trying to hold everything together. Lucifer wouldn't have helped, even if we could get to him, you didn't want us to find you. God." He snorted, close to open contempt over it. "He stopped caring about us." Driving the archangels to beg and still no return. "The younger ones were afraid, they needed direction. The humans never stop needing everything. What should we have done? Just let everything fall apart because it was hard?" He did just accept it - why shouldn't he? He'd never been the highest priority to anyone, the most beloved, why should that change?

The 'sorry' makes him look over, lean his head back to rest against Gabriel's hand. The kiss had startled him, not upset him, so he didn't understand what the apology was for - so he shifted a bit to keep Gabriel from pulling away.

"Anna looks like she wants to pee herself whenever I come too close." It's why he tended to avoid the common areas of the house, appearing just outside Gabriel's room, when he dropped in. "Balthazar seems to handle being around me better."

"Of course not." Although, perhaps 'of course' isn't so accurate - after all, letting things fall apart because they were too hard is exactly what he did. "Just-- he coulda done something more for you. I'm sure it wouldn't have been the end of the world if he'd taken a little time here and there to, I don't know, talk to you."

He sighs, half frustrated and half just tired. He understands how busy they both must have been, but he can't understand how Michael couldn't have noticed... or worse, if he did notice, how he couldn't have done anything about it.

"Anna's a little twitchy about upstairs. You understand." Although just how well Raphael understands Gabriel doesn't realise yet - won't until the few days they all spend in and out of each other's dreams. "But Balthazar's pretty good at fun too. Wilder than Anna, but at least he never slept with Dean, so that's a point in his favour."

"He did." Eventually. "You disagreed with the solutions we came to." Because by the time Michael had been willing to see his own weariness reflected in Raphael, neither of them had had it them to keep going on anymore more. So they'd arranged to end it.

They've just been too worn by then, Michael clinging to faith in their Father because...Raphael didn't know why. And Raphael would follow Michael anywhere, always had, but he just couldn't anymore, and didn't have it in him to break Michael's heart with his own lack of belief.

"I do understand." More than he was willing to admit to anyone. "It's quite a large point in his favor." And quite a large one against Anna and Castiel - mostly Castiel - though he can't really keep that tone out of his voice, something between a hateful snarl and a betrayed sneer. Not that he really would have been able to explain all the reasons for the emotion, he didn't understand it himself.

"If you mean ending the world, I think that's a bit of an overreaction." To say the least. He can understand just wanting it all to be over, but he doesn't want that enough to decimate the human race... or to let either Michael or Lucifer die. "And I don't think it would've helped much."

After all, a Michael broken by being 'forced' to kill Lucifer would be even worse for Raphael to have to deal with than the usual Michael.

"He'll be glad to hear it. Let's hope he doesn't just jump on the bandwagon, huh? Or the band-Winchester." Of course he can't miss the tone. He doesn't share it, though. He may dislike Dean, sort of, though the grudging respect sometimes gets in the way of that, but if Cas and Anna wanna get in on that action, then fine, it's their choice. Dean may want him dead, but he's a decent person and he won't hurt Castiel or Anna without good reason. Also, he's kind of hot. (Objectively.) It's understandable.

"Everything ends." It somewhat was an over reaction. Burn the building down because Michael and Raphael were over whelmed with the maintenance - but they hadn't known what else to do. "Yes it would have. Some things."

Raphael was under no delusions that Michael would have broken after killing Lucifer, even if Michael thought he could handle it. But better something swift than something this slow.

"Let us hope." He doesn't recognize that some of what he's feeling is jealousy. Dean helped rip Michael away from him, and he hates him for that. But he doesn't understand the other feelings, doesn't realize how jealous he is of Dean's place in Castiel's life. More so, because he's not interested in anything carnal with Castiel. That Anna also flocked to the elder Winchester, that just added to the burn.

"Eventually."

But not yet, he hopes. He likes humans, despite all the mess they make and all the awful things they do to each other - he really does want to see what they'll do next. There's always more than enough good in them to balance out the bad, even when it doesn't look that way, even when he has to try to weed out the bad himself, and he truly believes that there will come a time when that good will overcome the bad completely. Of course, saying it sounds corny, so he tries not to.

"Some, maybe, but not enough to make up for all it'd destroy. And if Michael would just quit hanging off Dad's every last word in the hopes that it'd get Him to come back, those things might've gotten solved without having to torch half the planet."

He understands the jealousy well enough. It's not so much a factor in his relationship with Dean, but some of the people here... well, now that he has his family back together, he doesn't like having to share them. It's not that he's clingy, exactly, he won't let himself be, but he wants to be, despite everything he's done before. He'd be happy enough now, he thinks, or at least content, staying locked up in House 11 forever and slowly but surely building up a collection of angels until they had almost all of Heaven back together. That he isn't enough for them, when they are all he wants, stings a little. It's completely irrational, of course, and he has non-angel friends of his own, but it's made him rather snippy with his siblings' friends. Part of that is protectiveness, especially when it comes to Meg (whom he still doesn't trust), but a lot of it is jealousy.

"I think he's got more common sense than that."

"Eventually. But there's a difference between ending and letting something suffering and let that end drag out, ignoring those who are in pain and suffering because it's hard to cause them harm." Despite what most apparently thought, Raphael actually loved humanity - he just didn't like them. Or more correctly, he was profoundly disappointed in them. And he was aware their plan would result in the death of humanity. He'd make it quick, as painless as he could. It was better than the lives most of them lived.

"That's what's really going to do it, you know. Killing Lucifer is going to hurt him. But when he realizes God isn't ever coming back? That He doesn't care about us anymore? That's what's going to destroy him." Raphael had convinced himself God - not Dad, but God, some distant Father he still loved but also hated - was dead, and realizing He was never coming back, took 'not His concern' to mean that He didn't care about them or what they did...it had been a crushing blow. And then Michael...that, not Michael's neglect, had been what had broken Raphael. Raphael couldn't imagine what it would do to Michael.

"Does he? Good." Raphael didn't. Sure, he'd felt jealousy between the four of them, but it was fleeting and quiet. One of them had always been there, after all. This? This was so much stronger that he didn't recognize it as the same thing at all. And he didn't know how to handle it, or what do to. But it drove him to hate Meg more than he already hated demons in general, and Dean...he just wanted to hurt.

"If they want it to end, then fine. Let it end for them. But not for everyone else." It's one of the few things he won't just make concessions about. Usually even if he feels strongly about something he won't risk fighting with his siblings about it, but this is an exception. He doesn't want to argue though, and there's a weariness and finality in his tone that makes that clear.

"I know." There's not much else he can say, really. He'd like to think that Michael could be talked around, made to realise slowly that their Father was gone for good, so that he could get used to the idea without it breaking him completely. He's not convincing himself, though. Perhaps if Michael hadn't built so much of his life around God, around trying to please him and bring him back, it wouldn't be so hard. If there were someone or something else that could help fill the gap - but not even Raphael and Lucifer could come close. "Guess Dad's kind of a dick, isn't He? He must realise what He's doing to Michael - what He's done. It isn't fair."

He may think God was right about the humans. About the angels, too - he believes, as much as he loves his family, that they are broken and flawed. He can see why God would prefer the humans to them, and he accepts that - going back to the 'toys' analogy he'd used with Lucifer, he understands that of course God would prefer the shiny new toys instead of the old ones. It's like the difference between The Sims 3 and playing make believe with toy soldiers. But he doesn't think he went about it the right way. He'd treated them exactly as if they were toys, and forgotten to take into account (or just outright ignored) that they were sentient. Even if it had just been a test, God had changed the rules on them unexpectedly and they hadn't been able to adjust. He could've at least come back and told them they'd failed instead of letting them keep going indefinitely under the delusion that he would come back if they could just be good enough. That was what had really broken them, not any inherent flaw, and Gabriel can't forgive him for what it had done to those who were the worst affected.

"Well, most of the time. I think he's smarter than that, at least."

"Do you think I haven't heard them? How many who just want peace? Who plead for it?" His actions weren't motivated by cruelty, after all. And some of it may be selective hearing, but Raphael knew how much suffering there was, and he knew he couldn't fix it all. That knowledge just left him feeling worse.

Raphael couldn't come close to filling the void Lucifer had left, much less being able to fill the void God had left behind. He had tried, as much as he could, but he knew it wasn't possible. He watches Gabriel for a moment, then shifts a bit, keeping tucked against Gabriel but twisting so he's not looking at him. "Do you think He cares what this has cost Michael?" All of them.

Because Raphael didn't. Once he had, and once he'd joined his brothers in wailing in grief and crying for their Father to return. But as time had marched on, as things in Heaven had grown more bleak, as humanity had proven themselves to be disappointment after bitter disappointment, he'd stopped believing that. Stopped trying to reconcile a loving Father with one who had just abandoned them when they still needed Him. And with that, he'd grown bitter, and fanatical in his loyalty to Michael. And archangels could carry grudges like no ones' business. This wasn't a matter of if he could forgive God for abandoning him, but a question of if he could forgive the grief caused his most beloved brother.

The answer was no. It would have been easy to forgive Lucifer for what he'd done.

"I hope so. You know him better than I." Which said a lot.

"So it sucks to be them - boo friggin' hoo. They have my sympathies, they do, but they're not dragging the rest of the world down just cause they want peace." It wasn't that he didn't understand, of course it wasn't. All four archangels were tired of it all, including him, and honestly? If it had been just them concerned, he'd have been content to just let everything end. But that wouldn't have been fair, and justice was one of the few values Gabriel still cared about.

As for the question - well, he could understand Raphael looking away. He tipped his head back to rest against the wall, staring up at the ceiling. At Heaven, ostensibly, but certainly not with anything resembling optimism - a wan smile, not that Raphael could see it, and a touch of wry amusement. Nothing more.

"I imagine He tries not to think about it."

He wasn't exactly thrilled with their Father either. He understood though, more than Raphael did - or at least he thought he did. He could understand wanting to leave, but then, he couldn't change things no matter how he tried. God could have. Free will was important to him as a general concept, but he couldn't understand why God wouldn't have just made everything okay. That was what fathers were for, wasn't it? And just once wouldn't have mattered - call it wiping the slate clean and starting over, able to avoid the mistakes. Surely if God had cared about them at all he would've done that instead of just leaving them adrift.

But that was the thing, at least as far as Gabriel was concerned. God didn't care about them. He'd got bored, disappointed, distracted by the humans. They were better than the angels, after all - much as he loved his family, Gabriel understood that, and he understood why God would be eager to abandon them for something better. He couldn't fault him for that. What he didn't understand was why he'd let them keep believing he'd come back. The only explanations were that it was an excruciatingly long, needlessly cruel test, which Gabriel couldn't believe, not after such a long time and so much pain, or that it was just casual disregard. He thought he might even prefer the thought that their Father had acted out of malice to that - but unpleasant though it was, he was certain that it was the truth. Their Father simply hadn't cared about the consequences his actions would have for the angels, and that hurt more than anything else.

It had hurt for a long time, though. Long enough that now, he could think about it with just a humourless smile and a dull ache, and brush it off or at least just carry on through it - not like the overwhelming devastation that had originally come with that particular realisation.

"You know what they say - birds of a feather. Kid's a real chip off the old block. And that's without my input - don't worry, before you know it he'll be a regular Gabriel 2.0." As if that was reason not to worry. "Just need to work on his eating habits. He likes vegetables too much to be normal."

"Even if it's the majority who do? How is that fair to them?" He wasn't trying to be argumentative - he knew justice was something important to Gabriel. He was trying to understand how his brother, how their Father could do nothing. Because he'd tried and he just couldn't. "They have so much of their lives that is marked with suffering. With pain. How is simply...leaving them there just?" Raphael just saw it was cruelty. And well. If Gabriel was willing to be the caretaker, to be the one who managed things for a while, then Raphael was going to let him. Because he needed answers, needed to understand and Michael hadn't had answers either.

He can feel Gabriel move, twists his head to see where he is looking. "I don't think He has to try." It's harsh, bitter, betrayed. They loved their Father. Why wasn't that enough? Why weren't they good enough for Him? He had made them like this - and it echoes back with what Lucifer had said to Michael. About this being a test, about God having made Lucifer to be who and what he was, about just walking away. Gabriel had, and had died for it. Lucifer had and what had happened to him had been crueler than death. Michael had been most loyal and he'd been horribly, horribly betrayed. What did that mean for any of them? He didn't know what to do anymore.

Raphael would have argued that the humans weren't better, not even equal, to the angels, but ultimately, that wasn't the point right now. Right now, as far as Raphael was concerned, God Himself didn't matter. In abandoning Heaven and the Host, He had abandoned His place, abdicated His Throne, and someone, someone needed to be there to step up. Once Raphael had entertained the idea of the archangels stepping up together but now...now he just couldn't imagine what it would take for that to occur.

"I'd rather not need to worry about the two of you getting into a prank war, if it's all the same to you." Or the lighthouse would end up spraying multicolored bubbles or something. He'd long given up on predicting Gabriel.

Edited 2013-08-31 00:54 (UTC)

"If they want out so bad they can do it themselves. But I'm not giving up on the humans until there's nothing there worth saving at all." Of course, if the discussion were to get into the area of serious argument, Gabriel would give in immediately. His principles, especially on the topic of mankind, might be important to him, even worth dying for - but in a situation where the human race isn't endangered by his not defending them, it's not worth risking the precarious peace with his family. Less so than usual, now that Raphael is here with him, close enough to pretend nothing had ever gone wrong... well, almost.

Gabriel's eyes are closed, his head resting against the wall - more an indication of hopelessness and fatigue than of prayer. He feels Raphael move, of course, but doesn't bother adjusting his expression to something more 'appropriate'. It's hardly news that he has no faith in their Father, at least not as far as the angels' fate is concerned. If Raphael wants to judge him for that, so be it, but somehow he hardly thinks he will.

"Maybe not." Certainly not, as far as Gabriel is concerned, but he doesn't like admitting it. It's not an easy thing to admit to - he can cope with most of the people he cares about wanting him dead, or at least not caring if he were to die, but God at least should have loved them all. Or at least those who'd sacrificed everything to stay loyal to him. Even if he couldn't have loved his children unconditionally, he should've at least loved those who'd deserved it - he shouldn't have abandoned Michael and Raphael, even if Raphael hadn't been motivated by love of their Father in a long time. "But hey. Who needs Him, right?" It's hollow- he knows they need God back, that they needed him back a long time ago, but at least he knows that they can survive knowing he doesn't care. If they have to.

"Don't worry, I'd win." It would end up spraying multicoloured bubbles and foam. And disco lights. And silly string. And--- well, best to leave it there, really. But it might well be solely Gabriel's doing - he doubts Balthazar would dare bring Raphael into it. "He ain't got nothing on me. 'Sides, the kid knows his place. I'm The Trickster, not him."

"That's so cruel Gabriel." He wasn't accusing Gabriel of being cruel, just the entire mess. He hated it. People did, on occasion, need to suffer - that was part of justice, he understood that. But cruelty for the sake of it...that's all he saw in this.

Zachariah's utter lack of faith in God had given him a point of solidarity, one he'd never been able to express, for fear of Michael finding out. But the look on Gabriel's face, the tone in his voice. It's so close to what Raphael has felt, and from one of the brothers he was once close too. This time it's Raphael who's moving, a hand on Gabriel's shoulder, leaning across him to rest there foreheads together. "We don't. We can take care of each other." It's blasphemy, he knows it, and he doesn't care. Gabriel's probably the last angel to object. And he just rests there for a moment, before settling back against his brother's side.

"I think he'd use it as an excuse to wind you up so he could learn to tricks, honestly." Never let it be said Raphael didn't understand what little brothers would do to learn from their older brothers. Or to gain their attention or affection.

"Maybe." Whether Gabriel agrees or not after all, it's not as if cruelty is something he shies away from. He considers it one of his particular skills, in fact.

He opens his eyes and smiles, more genuine by far, as Raphael moves. He's come to terms with his conflicting feelings for their Father, and he's much less interested in dwelling on that than in doing everything he can to fix his relationship with his brothers. That Raphael might feel the same way isn't news to him any more, but it always surprises him anyway.

"I hope so." His hopes aren't too high, though. Any one of them could disappear indefinitely at any moment, and there's nothing they could do about it. Still, that doesn't mean he won't try. "In any case, we can do a better job than He does these days."

The idea of Balthazar trying to wind him up, though, makes him chuckle. It's a rather more cheerful subject, even if it's still a tad bittersweet.

"He's a lot more mature than I ever was. I don't think you'd see him tackling people to the ground or throwing tantrums or ... well, any of the things I used to do for attention." But then, Balthazar is older than he had been when he'd been pestering Lucifer for attention. Maybe at a comparable developmental stage he might have been a lot more similar. "Not least cause I've got a lot less patience than you three did. If he tried to wind me up he'd end up as a frog for the next week."

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject