kore_logs | An overflow of guilt

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An overflow of guilt

Who: the Doctor, Mina
When: Day 104
Where: Mina's house
What: Feeling useless and full of guilt, the Doctor thinks he doesn't need anyone.
Warning: Will update when need to.

The Doctor had spent the entire previous day with Donna, concerned for her safety, and determined to do anything for her after a far too eventful day of near drowning with the sea monster. "The king of Sea Devils..." He commented, although the actual Sea Devils didn't have tentacles and were related to creatures that inhabited the earth long before humans, but that was a story for another time.

Around noon, Donna seemed to be perking back up and moving about and convinced him to go home to sleep some, but he wasn't tired. He was plain simply loaded with guilt and one of very few occasions, felt his age. Ancient, horribly unclever, and useless.

Sitting on the porch step of his house, he watched his worn brown suit blow in the wind as it dried. Clad in trousers and a clean button down shirt he hadn't bothered to button all the way, he finally slipped on his trainers and rummaged through his stuff, making a small pile of items that belonged to Mina - a couple books, another shirt he had meant to return, and a mug.

When evening came and the house became dark, he found his way to Mina's and knocked on her door. When she answered, he cleared his throat, "I have some stuff to return."

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In a rare moment of speaking freely, "Then why are they still punishing me? I haven't helped anyone here; I'm completely useless here. I couldn't get us out, I can't protect anyone, I just stood there as that man was murdered right there. Adric's gone, Rose is gone, I couldn't help Donna... Astrid, Jenny...I tried to kill Peri. It might be you next, I dunno."

He pulls away completely, scrubbed at his face, "I'm sorry, I'm being pathetic. I-I wanted to return your stuff." His arms dropped to his sides as he once again avoided Mina's gaze.

Mina planted her hands on the counter, on either side of the Doctor. She'd tried the soft approach. Perhaps another was called for. Not a hard one. She generally reserved that for the girls under her care, for the doctors under her watch.

This was an exceptional man.

"Has it ever occurred to you," she asked, "that the best way to get back at these bastards is not to give them the satisfaction? Hmm? If they're trying to punish you, I can think of no better way than isolation. And you might be making it easy for them."

"I just want to run. I've been running my whole life until now." He comments without looking at Mina, hating that she might be right. He was absolutely detesting this, really.

He wasn't one to show emotions so freely, and hated that he loved so much and angered so easily these days. And yet, being trapped between Mina's arms, he hated how easily she figured him out. It was unsettling to say the least.

"What we're dealing with," she said, "is customized torture. Specially implemented and designed just for you. For most of us, I imagine. No one here really enjoys having to stand still. It's a fascinating psychological study, really." She almost admired the ingeniousness of it. Strictly as a scientist herself, of course. "And I, for one, intend to give these bastards some very, very mixed results."

What that meant, she really had no idea. But it would certainly be fun trying to figure it out.

"And how do you plan on doing that, exactly?"

His mind began to wonder, thinking about what she had said, thinking about what has taken place here and what little he remembered while in captivity, and thinking how Mina really needed some candles.

It was awfully dark, and even though he could see Mina perfectly fine, the lack of power (and kettles with tea) were a bit frustrating at the moment.

"A work in progress," she conceded. "But if there's one thing I have in abundance here, it's time."

For a moment, she leaned in, very, very close to him. Always a bit of a flare for the dramatic. Something she'd picked up from Jack, no doubt. But then she let up, pulling away and removing her hands.

He could run if he wanted.

She just hoped he wouldn't.

"Yes, don't we all?" He comments sardonically, standing his ground.

So much for trying to distance himself from Mina. It didn't seem possible and even frustratingly even more, he wanted her closer. "What have you sort out thus far?"

Her lips curled into a nasty smile, almost a sneer. "Well, you know that old adage. 'The best revenge is living well.' And while we may not be able to live particularly well here, we can still smile. And dance." She paused, raising an eyebrow. "And laugh."

Laugh at the scientists who kept them pent up like animals. Laugh at the doctors who poked and prodded them without oaths or standards. And most importantly, laugh at themselves, at the way they stumbled and fell, but somehow, miraculously, got back up again.

She turned, looking up where she knew there to be a camera. "I want them to see me smile. And dance. And laugh."

"...Are you asking me to dance with you?" Because that was pretty much the only thing he got out of this. Actually, he was feeling a bit incredulous she was even suggesting such a thing.

And it made him realize he had become jaded and bitter since being stuck here, or at least surprisingly far more aware. But who was to blame when so many people around him were taken away or even murdered?

Mina stared at him for a moment, as though not entirely sure she'd heard him correctly. She had, of course, been speaking somewhat metaphorically. Although she thought it would be great fun to find a fiddle and have a big, open dance around a fire. The whole population. If only to show that the scientists couldn't completely own them.

But that wasn't the point.

After staring a bit, she burst into laughter, deciding that he was only joking around with her.

He smiles, clearly amused by this now and his mood lightens up considerably since coming here. "You should smile more; it's nice." Nice to see her carefree and happy. It made him wonder outside of Kore - was she like that then?

At least he knew she wasn't be serious about dancing. That might be a disaster in the dark.

"I suppose I should take some of my own advice," Mina conceded. "Look for more reasons to smile, more reasons to stick it to these bastards." She slipped her hands into his, interlacing their fingers. "I solemnly vow to do my utmost to smile more. Provided, of course, you do the same."

The unspoken, extra bit, of course, was that he wouldn't go looking to push her away again. Mina wouldn't have it.

He does smile, although there's a hint of sadness within it, "I'll do my best. I don't like to be discouraging, anyway." He gives her hand a squeeze, "Donna was caught by that sea beastie, but luckily she's pulled through. I can't speak to the others, though."

After pulling Donna to shore and unable to find Wallie's body, the Doctor wasn't sure what next should be done.

Really, Mina had a hard time caring about anyone outside of her small circle of friends. She was a doctor. She had no great love for human suffering, of course. But people suffered every day. And she couldn't prevent all of it.

If you cared too much about every little thing, you would lose your mind, after all.

"Donna's alive and well," she said. "That seems like something to celebrate. Worth quite a lot more than a couple of smiles, I think."

There's a smile to that, "Mm, yeeeah." And without another word, cups her cheek with one hand and pulls her in for a chaste kiss.

When he pulls back, and speaks softly, "I do think you should be very careful being around me... Or always watch your surroundings. I don't trust that scientist lot."

Mina returned the kiss, making a soft noise of objection when it ended abruptly. But she still smiled, her eyes closed. "Darling," she told him, "you can't survives as Kindred unless you're paranoid. I'm far more than careful. So stop worrying so much."

And with that, she grabbed his tie and kissed him again.

A bit more forcefully.

"Promise me that?" He speaks practically as a whisper, "And if something odd is afoot, you tell me?" Because he hated to admit it, but if he lost her, he wasn't sure what he'd do with himself.

Returning the heated kiss, he was reminded that Mina had become far too important to him, moreso than he wanted to admit, actually, as his hands found her hips and rested there.

"I promise you a healthy and active dose of paranoia," Mina said, leaning her forehead against his. It wasn't much of a promise. As she'd said, one didn't survive in her world too long without paranoia. But if it made him feel better, she saw no reason not to say it.

Of course, she didn't much fancy the thought of needing a big, strong man to protect her if something odd was afoot. But egocentric or not, Mina knew the value of allies.

"There aren't a lot of people here I trust," she continued, "let alone like. Believe me, if I ever need help, you're the first place I'm going to look."

Good. That's good." He comments, moving to press a kiss to her forehead and pulls back with his hands remaining where they are placed on her hips.

"I wish there was something I could do, though, instead of seeing that man's death." There was a shrug. "It's over now. Done and done."

"You do what any good soldier would do," she replied, touching his face lightly, "you make sure that the death is neither forgotten nor without value." That was how Mina handled it, anyway. Over two hundred years of experience still hadn't taught her to bear each and every death with grace. It still hurt. Just not as long.

Her fingers trailed along his cheekbone. "And you don't blame yourself. That's an unending spiral. Not a good place for someone who's end is very far away."

He raised a hand to cover hers, pulling it down to his lips to press a kiss to her palm.

"I just wish it got easier." He spoke softly, lacing his fingers with hers. "Being here is so frustrating. I haven't been of any use, I haven't really helped anyone, and I feel responsible for so many things, Mina." He hated being so defeatist; it wasn't in his nature to be so.

She smirked a little bit. "I think you've been of more use, more help than you realize, darling," she told him. "But I'm not going to tell you why. I think it might be more valuable if you figure that out for yourself." Or at the very least, more fun.

Closing her eyes, she leaned her forehead against his for a moment. The truth of the matter was that one of the people he'd saved here was Mina herself. She'd been on a miserable, downward spiral before he showed up. Gave her someone to look forward to seeing. Gave her someone she could speak to.

But she'd never say as much. That would be telling.

"Come upstairs," she murmured. "I need to shower. And then we can talk. Just you and me. Anything you want, as long as it isn't depressing."

She was right, and he offers her a cheeky grin as a reply before following her upstairs. Her room fascinated him, with a few books and it being so dark seemed rather more sinister than it really was. It was amazing they didn't kill themselves in this darkness.

The Doctor sat on the edge of her bed, watching her, admiring the confidence she exuded and how at ease she made him even with a such a light touch through the short fringe of his bangs.

One of the many privileges of having the master bedroom in a more-or-less abandoned house was that Mina had her own bathroom. Despite her appearances, she did have a few rather female indulgences. And one of them, for better or for worse, was a fondness for scented candles.

It was a surprisingly convenient indulgence, these days.

She walked into the bathroom, leaving the door open as she began to light all of her candles. There was soon a golden glow filling both bedroom and bathroom. "Back home," she told the Doctor as she diligently worked, "we would be preparing for a harvest ceremony around now. The Circle of the Crone, my covenant, have a nasty reputation. People think we're Satan worshippers and hedonists. But the harvest ceremony was always so beautiful. We would remember what the air used to smell like."

"I bet it was lovely." He commented, watching the glow from the bathroom extend out into the room. "Autumn is a lovely time, with color changes, weather pattern disturbances, last minute turning of crops, songs and dances to harvest. You're right... It is something nice. Like Saturdays." He commented before slipping off his trainers and lying back.

"Hedonism, such a funny word. Greek for 'pleasure'... You'd think it'd have a positive connotation."

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