kore_logs | An overflow of guilt

Entry tags:

An overflow of guilt

Who: the Doctor, Mina
When: Day 104
Where: Mina's house
What: Feeling useless and full of guilt, the Doctor thinks he doesn't need anyone.
Warning: Will update when need to.

The Doctor had spent the entire previous day with Donna, concerned for her safety, and determined to do anything for her after a far too eventful day of near drowning with the sea monster. "The king of Sea Devils..." He commented, although the actual Sea Devils didn't have tentacles and were related to creatures that inhabited the earth long before humans, but that was a story for another time.

Around noon, Donna seemed to be perking back up and moving about and convinced him to go home to sleep some, but he wasn't tired. He was plain simply loaded with guilt and one of very few occasions, felt his age. Ancient, horribly unclever, and useless.

Sitting on the porch step of his house, he watched his worn brown suit blow in the wind as it dried. Clad in trousers and a clean button down shirt he hadn't bothered to button all the way, he finally slipped on his trainers and rummaged through his stuff, making a small pile of items that belonged to Mina - a couple books, another shirt he had meant to return, and a mug.

When evening came and the house became dark, he found his way to Mina's and knocked on her door. When she answered, he cleared his throat, "I have some stuff to return."

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She pursed her lips. "Doctor, if you don't want to 'lose' me, I can think of nothing more counterproductive than avoiding me. I do think that rather defeats your purposes."

Mina turned her hand, interlacing her fingers with his and giving him a light squeeze.

"No, I'm... If I'm alone, then I have a settled mind knowing you're less targeted; looked at like some lab specimen."

Now it was his turn to touch her face, cupping her cheek, "You've done too much for me." There were far more sentimental thoughts floating through his mind, but he pushed them down.

"A settled mind," she said, leaning in a little bit closer, "isn't nearly as fun as it sounds."

Anyway, she doubted his mind could ever truly be settled. That seemed to defy the laws of nature, the very physics of his person. That was one of the most exciting things about the Doctor. His active, rambling, complicated mind; the way he thought and the way he looked at things.

No. She never wanted anything about him 'settled.'

She offered him a sly smile. "And as for being a lab specimen, depending on the scientist, I can't say that I particularly mind."

"Aw, stop it." It was the first smile he honestly cracked since the evening. Without asking, he closes the distance between them, pressing a kiss to her.

He pulled away, pressing his forehead to hers, "Mina, you're making this difficult."

She laughed, both with relief that he still remembered how to smile and with the satisfaction of hearing him complain. "I pride myself on being a very difficult woman," she replied. "The alternative was much too boring for me."

Raking her fingers through his already-mussed hair, she regarded him thoughtfully. "You've done this before, haven't you?" she asked. "Pushed people away for what you thought was their own protection?"

"I don't need anyone, and I feel better knowing if you're not with me." There's an inhale as he wanted to be closer to her, contradicting everything he's said tonight.

"It's not always safe traveling with me... I have alot of enemies, and I've lost some important people because of me." His fingers slid back in her hair, entwining with the strands.

"That is a bald-faced lie," Mina replied, taking a step closer to him. "I don't need anyone. You know what kind of people say that sort of thing? The people who need someone the most. I may not be as old as you are, my dear, but I've been on the outside , looking in, for a very long time. I've picked up on a few of the peculiarities of the living."

And more than that, Mina wanted to be right. About what sort of man this was, about his character. It was a small voice, buried deep in the back of her mind. But she knew it was there. And she wasn't going to accept him for a man who got what he wanted and then left.

Her ego wouldn't allow that.

In a rare moment of speaking freely, "Then why are they still punishing me? I haven't helped anyone here; I'm completely useless here. I couldn't get us out, I can't protect anyone, I just stood there as that man was murdered right there. Adric's gone, Rose is gone, I couldn't help Donna... Astrid, Jenny...I tried to kill Peri. It might be you next, I dunno."

He pulls away completely, scrubbed at his face, "I'm sorry, I'm being pathetic. I-I wanted to return your stuff." His arms dropped to his sides as he once again avoided Mina's gaze.

Mina planted her hands on the counter, on either side of the Doctor. She'd tried the soft approach. Perhaps another was called for. Not a hard one. She generally reserved that for the girls under her care, for the doctors under her watch.

This was an exceptional man.

"Has it ever occurred to you," she asked, "that the best way to get back at these bastards is not to give them the satisfaction? Hmm? If they're trying to punish you, I can think of no better way than isolation. And you might be making it easy for them."

"I just want to run. I've been running my whole life until now." He comments without looking at Mina, hating that she might be right. He was absolutely detesting this, really.

He wasn't one to show emotions so freely, and hated that he loved so much and angered so easily these days. And yet, being trapped between Mina's arms, he hated how easily she figured him out. It was unsettling to say the least.

"What we're dealing with," she said, "is customized torture. Specially implemented and designed just for you. For most of us, I imagine. No one here really enjoys having to stand still. It's a fascinating psychological study, really." She almost admired the ingeniousness of it. Strictly as a scientist herself, of course. "And I, for one, intend to give these bastards some very, very mixed results."

What that meant, she really had no idea. But it would certainly be fun trying to figure it out.

"And how do you plan on doing that, exactly?"

His mind began to wonder, thinking about what she had said, thinking about what has taken place here and what little he remembered while in captivity, and thinking how Mina really needed some candles.

It was awfully dark, and even though he could see Mina perfectly fine, the lack of power (and kettles with tea) were a bit frustrating at the moment.

"A work in progress," she conceded. "But if there's one thing I have in abundance here, it's time."

For a moment, she leaned in, very, very close to him. Always a bit of a flare for the dramatic. Something she'd picked up from Jack, no doubt. But then she let up, pulling away and removing her hands.

He could run if he wanted.

She just hoped he wouldn't.

"Yes, don't we all?" He comments sardonically, standing his ground.

So much for trying to distance himself from Mina. It didn't seem possible and even frustratingly even more, he wanted her closer. "What have you sort out thus far?"

Her lips curled into a nasty smile, almost a sneer. "Well, you know that old adage. 'The best revenge is living well.' And while we may not be able to live particularly well here, we can still smile. And dance." She paused, raising an eyebrow. "And laugh."

Laugh at the scientists who kept them pent up like animals. Laugh at the doctors who poked and prodded them without oaths or standards. And most importantly, laugh at themselves, at the way they stumbled and fell, but somehow, miraculously, got back up again.

She turned, looking up where she knew there to be a camera. "I want them to see me smile. And dance. And laugh."

"...Are you asking me to dance with you?" Because that was pretty much the only thing he got out of this. Actually, he was feeling a bit incredulous she was even suggesting such a thing.

And it made him realize he had become jaded and bitter since being stuck here, or at least surprisingly far more aware. But who was to blame when so many people around him were taken away or even murdered?

Mina stared at him for a moment, as though not entirely sure she'd heard him correctly. She had, of course, been speaking somewhat metaphorically. Although she thought it would be great fun to find a fiddle and have a big, open dance around a fire. The whole population. If only to show that the scientists couldn't completely own them.

But that wasn't the point.

After staring a bit, she burst into laughter, deciding that he was only joking around with her.

He smiles, clearly amused by this now and his mood lightens up considerably since coming here. "You should smile more; it's nice." Nice to see her carefree and happy. It made him wonder outside of Kore - was she like that then?

At least he knew she wasn't be serious about dancing. That might be a disaster in the dark.

"I suppose I should take some of my own advice," Mina conceded. "Look for more reasons to smile, more reasons to stick it to these bastards." She slipped her hands into his, interlacing their fingers. "I solemnly vow to do my utmost to smile more. Provided, of course, you do the same."

The unspoken, extra bit, of course, was that he wouldn't go looking to push her away again. Mina wouldn't have it.

He does smile, although there's a hint of sadness within it, "I'll do my best. I don't like to be discouraging, anyway." He gives her hand a squeeze, "Donna was caught by that sea beastie, but luckily she's pulled through. I can't speak to the others, though."

After pulling Donna to shore and unable to find Wallie's body, the Doctor wasn't sure what next should be done.

Really, Mina had a hard time caring about anyone outside of her small circle of friends. She was a doctor. She had no great love for human suffering, of course. But people suffered every day. And she couldn't prevent all of it.

If you cared too much about every little thing, you would lose your mind, after all.

"Donna's alive and well," she said. "That seems like something to celebrate. Worth quite a lot more than a couple of smiles, I think."

There's a smile to that, "Mm, yeeeah." And without another word, cups her cheek with one hand and pulls her in for a chaste kiss.

When he pulls back, and speaks softly, "I do think you should be very careful being around me... Or always watch your surroundings. I don't trust that scientist lot."

Mina returned the kiss, making a soft noise of objection when it ended abruptly. But she still smiled, her eyes closed. "Darling," she told him, "you can't survives as Kindred unless you're paranoid. I'm far more than careful. So stop worrying so much."

And with that, she grabbed his tie and kissed him again.

A bit more forcefully.

"Promise me that?" He speaks practically as a whisper, "And if something odd is afoot, you tell me?" Because he hated to admit it, but if he lost her, he wasn't sure what he'd do with himself.

Returning the heated kiss, he was reminded that Mina had become far too important to him, moreso than he wanted to admit, actually, as his hands found her hips and rested there.

"I promise you a healthy and active dose of paranoia," Mina said, leaning her forehead against his. It wasn't much of a promise. As she'd said, one didn't survive in her world too long without paranoia. But if it made him feel better, she saw no reason not to say it.

Of course, she didn't much fancy the thought of needing a big, strong man to protect her if something odd was afoot. But egocentric or not, Mina knew the value of allies.

"There aren't a lot of people here I trust," she continued, "let alone like. Believe me, if I ever need help, you're the first place I'm going to look."

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