kore_logs | An overflow of guilt

Entry tags:

An overflow of guilt

Who: the Doctor, Mina
When: Day 104
Where: Mina's house
What: Feeling useless and full of guilt, the Doctor thinks he doesn't need anyone.
Warning: Will update when need to.

The Doctor had spent the entire previous day with Donna, concerned for her safety, and determined to do anything for her after a far too eventful day of near drowning with the sea monster. "The king of Sea Devils..." He commented, although the actual Sea Devils didn't have tentacles and were related to creatures that inhabited the earth long before humans, but that was a story for another time.

Around noon, Donna seemed to be perking back up and moving about and convinced him to go home to sleep some, but he wasn't tired. He was plain simply loaded with guilt and one of very few occasions, felt his age. Ancient, horribly unclever, and useless.

Sitting on the porch step of his house, he watched his worn brown suit blow in the wind as it dried. Clad in trousers and a clean button down shirt he hadn't bothered to button all the way, he finally slipped on his trainers and rummaged through his stuff, making a small pile of items that belonged to Mina - a couple books, another shirt he had meant to return, and a mug.

When evening came and the house became dark, he found his way to Mina's and knocked on her door. When she answered, he cleared his throat, "I have some stuff to return."

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"It's simple, really. Just being around me is putting you in danger... I should be alone."

He wished he had the TARDIS at his hands, to be able to actually make that possible and not worry that he's endangering anyone. He saw Jubilee just a couple days before anyone realized she was gone, and he knew the scientists had been watching her very closely thanks to him. Donna had asked him if he thought something was going to happen, and it did, to her; he should've seen that coming. And the man that tried his hardest to save her perished in the process while the Doctor was completely and utterly useless? He was complete rubbish.

As much as he hated to admit it, he feared that Mina was next.

Mina gave him a particularly incredulous look, taking his chin in her fingertips. "That is, without a doubt, the stupidest thing I have ever heard you say," she told him bluntly. "You'd better not say something like it again."

She let go of his face, resting her palm on his chest instead. "Really, darling. I'm in danger here no matter whose company I keep. And the same goes for every single person here. As long as that's the case, I would prefer to be in danger around people I enjoy."

Her lofted eyebrows, she felt, said the rest.

"I'm a rubbish friend, Mina. Completely rubbish. Jubilee's gone, Donna was taken by that sea beast-thing, and there was a young man helping... and I was completely useless and watched him die trying to save Donna with me. She's fine now, thankfully, but not because of anything I managed to do -- or not do."

He looks off the side, angry that he was like this, angry that he was completely powerless and trapped.

"They'll target you; they probably already have." He speaks flatly without emotion, "And I'm afraid I won't be able to do anything about it. So it's best you stay away and not attract their attention being around me."

She caught his face, turning it back to face her. "Stop that," she ordered him, like a lieutenant. "Do I look like the sort of girl who wants a big, strong man to protect her?" she asked. "Do you think that's why I like keeping you around? That's not how I operate, darling. Never has been, never will be."

Why were men so thick? Even Time Lords, apparently, could be utter rubbish sometimes. But this self-pity was not a good colour on him. She didn't like it one bit.

"If I'm already targeted, so be it. But if I'm going to go," she said, "then I'm going to go on my own terms. And they seem to include you."

"I never implied that, no," His fingers encircle her wrist to the hand that wasn't holding his face, "but if they took you and harmed you, I don't think I could recover from that guilt."

It would probably be the closest he'll ever come to admitting his feelings to her, but it was true. Sometimes he detested these feelings of inadequacy, and being put in his place here made it worse.

"You would recover from that guilt," Mina told him, with a firm authoritative tone of voice. "Because it's what I would want you to do. And you're not the sort who deny that."

She paused. "And really, darling. I do think that's a bit egocentric. I'm perfectly capable of pissing off these scientists without your help. I'm sure I've given them plenty of reasons to hate me besides the fact that I happen to fancy you."

There was levity in her voice, but there was also a ring of truth to what she was saying. After all, Mina Barrett was not known for staying out of trouble.

Silently, he barely nods as she spoke. It was half truth, given he had gotten over the guilt of trapping Rose in another dimension and giving her a part of himself eased that pain greatly, but here he felt completely helpless and worthless.

"But you weren't there. You didn't see it..." The Doctor wasn't putting any blame on her, but realizes that he was probably coming off as condescending. "I was useless during my escape attempt just as I was useless with that bloody sea beast."

"Darling," she said, trying not to sigh. "I don't think you're hearing me. We all feel bloody useless around here. We've been trapped. Made impotent. I know three times a night, I feel like cursing out all the gods and goddesses over what's been done to me. You're no different from the rest of us. Except you seem to be taking it harder than some."

Gently, she brushed his hair away from his forehead. She used her lightest touch, the fingers of a surgeon.

"Don't punish other people," she told him. "Don't push us away to soothe your own ego."

His free hand catches hers, the one smoothing out his hair, and holds it, "It's not my ego, it's you I'm trying to protect here. I... I don't want to loose you like that. Like a rag doll, being tossed like left overs. I've created too much attention and made everyone targets here."

He releases his grip on her hands and places his hands on the counter with a sigh.

She pursed her lips. "Doctor, if you don't want to 'lose' me, I can think of nothing more counterproductive than avoiding me. I do think that rather defeats your purposes."

Mina turned her hand, interlacing her fingers with his and giving him a light squeeze.

"No, I'm... If I'm alone, then I have a settled mind knowing you're less targeted; looked at like some lab specimen."

Now it was his turn to touch her face, cupping her cheek, "You've done too much for me." There were far more sentimental thoughts floating through his mind, but he pushed them down.

"A settled mind," she said, leaning in a little bit closer, "isn't nearly as fun as it sounds."

Anyway, she doubted his mind could ever truly be settled. That seemed to defy the laws of nature, the very physics of his person. That was one of the most exciting things about the Doctor. His active, rambling, complicated mind; the way he thought and the way he looked at things.

No. She never wanted anything about him 'settled.'

She offered him a sly smile. "And as for being a lab specimen, depending on the scientist, I can't say that I particularly mind."

"Aw, stop it." It was the first smile he honestly cracked since the evening. Without asking, he closes the distance between them, pressing a kiss to her.

He pulled away, pressing his forehead to hers, "Mina, you're making this difficult."

She laughed, both with relief that he still remembered how to smile and with the satisfaction of hearing him complain. "I pride myself on being a very difficult woman," she replied. "The alternative was much too boring for me."

Raking her fingers through his already-mussed hair, she regarded him thoughtfully. "You've done this before, haven't you?" she asked. "Pushed people away for what you thought was their own protection?"

"I don't need anyone, and I feel better knowing if you're not with me." There's an inhale as he wanted to be closer to her, contradicting everything he's said tonight.

"It's not always safe traveling with me... I have alot of enemies, and I've lost some important people because of me." His fingers slid back in her hair, entwining with the strands.

"That is a bald-faced lie," Mina replied, taking a step closer to him. "I don't need anyone. You know what kind of people say that sort of thing? The people who need someone the most. I may not be as old as you are, my dear, but I've been on the outside , looking in, for a very long time. I've picked up on a few of the peculiarities of the living."

And more than that, Mina wanted to be right. About what sort of man this was, about his character. It was a small voice, buried deep in the back of her mind. But she knew it was there. And she wasn't going to accept him for a man who got what he wanted and then left.

Her ego wouldn't allow that.

In a rare moment of speaking freely, "Then why are they still punishing me? I haven't helped anyone here; I'm completely useless here. I couldn't get us out, I can't protect anyone, I just stood there as that man was murdered right there. Adric's gone, Rose is gone, I couldn't help Donna... Astrid, Jenny...I tried to kill Peri. It might be you next, I dunno."

He pulls away completely, scrubbed at his face, "I'm sorry, I'm being pathetic. I-I wanted to return your stuff." His arms dropped to his sides as he once again avoided Mina's gaze.

Mina planted her hands on the counter, on either side of the Doctor. She'd tried the soft approach. Perhaps another was called for. Not a hard one. She generally reserved that for the girls under her care, for the doctors under her watch.

This was an exceptional man.

"Has it ever occurred to you," she asked, "that the best way to get back at these bastards is not to give them the satisfaction? Hmm? If they're trying to punish you, I can think of no better way than isolation. And you might be making it easy for them."

"I just want to run. I've been running my whole life until now." He comments without looking at Mina, hating that she might be right. He was absolutely detesting this, really.

He wasn't one to show emotions so freely, and hated that he loved so much and angered so easily these days. And yet, being trapped between Mina's arms, he hated how easily she figured him out. It was unsettling to say the least.

"What we're dealing with," she said, "is customized torture. Specially implemented and designed just for you. For most of us, I imagine. No one here really enjoys having to stand still. It's a fascinating psychological study, really." She almost admired the ingeniousness of it. Strictly as a scientist herself, of course. "And I, for one, intend to give these bastards some very, very mixed results."

What that meant, she really had no idea. But it would certainly be fun trying to figure it out.

"And how do you plan on doing that, exactly?"

His mind began to wonder, thinking about what she had said, thinking about what has taken place here and what little he remembered while in captivity, and thinking how Mina really needed some candles.

It was awfully dark, and even though he could see Mina perfectly fine, the lack of power (and kettles with tea) were a bit frustrating at the moment.

"A work in progress," she conceded. "But if there's one thing I have in abundance here, it's time."

For a moment, she leaned in, very, very close to him. Always a bit of a flare for the dramatic. Something she'd picked up from Jack, no doubt. But then she let up, pulling away and removing her hands.

He could run if he wanted.

She just hoped he wouldn't.

"Yes, don't we all?" He comments sardonically, standing his ground.

So much for trying to distance himself from Mina. It didn't seem possible and even frustratingly even more, he wanted her closer. "What have you sort out thus far?"

Her lips curled into a nasty smile, almost a sneer. "Well, you know that old adage. 'The best revenge is living well.' And while we may not be able to live particularly well here, we can still smile. And dance." She paused, raising an eyebrow. "And laugh."

Laugh at the scientists who kept them pent up like animals. Laugh at the doctors who poked and prodded them without oaths or standards. And most importantly, laugh at themselves, at the way they stumbled and fell, but somehow, miraculously, got back up again.

She turned, looking up where she knew there to be a camera. "I want them to see me smile. And dance. And laugh."

"...Are you asking me to dance with you?" Because that was pretty much the only thing he got out of this. Actually, he was feeling a bit incredulous she was even suggesting such a thing.

And it made him realize he had become jaded and bitter since being stuck here, or at least surprisingly far more aware. But who was to blame when so many people around him were taken away or even murdered?

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